"Love in Action"

35 Candles

2012-02-11T18:04:00.001+02:00

This gal's just turned another year older! (Don't you DARE count any wrinkles ;0) hee hee. They are just my laughter lines.)

What a precious day it has been. I have been swamped in love!!! From family to friends, the love just keeps washing over me.

I stand amazed at the many ways God continues to work at loving my heart back to wholeness. I so badly wanted to hide from my birthday this year. I kind of saw it as a big reminder to everything I walked through last year. This time last year I was glowing in the news of just finding out that I was pregnant. I wanted everyone to share our joy! It was such a happy time for me. Leading up to this birthday I simply felt barren. I didn't want to face the reminder of such deep loss. BUT THEN my faithful Jesus lovingly changed my perspective. He brought my birthday one day earlier. I never saw it coming. Let me explain :)

Yesterday I started getting phone calls from treasured friends singing happy birthday to me! I was then "kidnapped" by a friend for a wonderful pamper at a beauty spar as my birthday pressie. Then I got more birthday phone calls and messages! All of a sudden I was having a birthday before a birthday. This has NEVER happened to me, especially by so many people. These special impromptu wishes totally softened my heart to accept the love that God has for me in placing so many around me who love me. He knows me so well. I LOVE suprises! All of a sudden I could face today, because yesterday was such a beautiful warm up! :0)

Today I could weep at the many beautiful messages that have been sent to me from so many precious people. Thank you to every person who has made my day special. I can truly say that my arms are opened wide to the beautiful adventures, blessings and faith walking expeditions that my Jesus has prepared for me.

All my love and thanks xxx

Janine

A call to Pray and Reach Out

2012-02-09T12:34:00.001+02:00

I just popped over to my friend Adeye's blog. Oh my word!!! My heart is in a million pieces looking at these precious little faces totally in desperate need and with so little hope. PLEASE read her post and pray that God will move on people's hearts to give these desperate little ones a forever home. These are desperate children and God has called us to pray and reach out in whatever ways we can. If you blog or facebook, please link her post to try get as many people to see these little ones in desperate need of hope and love. It can only increase their chances of being seen. Jesus break our heart for the things that break Yours.

Much love xxx

Janine

Her Day in Pictures

2012-02-09T08:12:00.000+02:00

My little bear had such a wonderful day yesterday. From morning to night it was filled with so much love. Thank you so much to all who sent her birthday messages and for every special phone call. It meant so much to her! I read her all the facebook messages yesterday. Her smile was priceless! So here was her day in pictures:

Waking up to balloons and singing. (How beautiful are those blue eyes!)

Birthday kiss from the only "boy" who is allowed to kiss her for a looooooong time ;0)

Surprise!!! Taking in all the stash waiting to be ripped into.

Reading Lala's special card from America. (Thank you precious mom for waiting up till midnight so you could phone her first thing in the morning our side. You are always "present" in our hearts for each occasion! How we love you!!!)

Taking in her sisters master piece card. So sweet!

A beautiful charm bracelet from her precious Aunty Niqui, Uncle Ian and couzies. You guys always show up with so much love for every occasion.

Chocolate seemed to become a big part of this day!!! Chocolate spread on toast for breakfast! Yikes!!! When is it my birthday!!!

Testing out the bike before school.

Her cake for school.

Getting ready for a special birthday supper.

Thank you Aunty Julie for coming all the way for her birthday. You made her day. And big hugs to Granny and Poppy for always spoiling our girl with your love.

All together at her favourite spot - "Boccadillo's". A trendy little coffee-shopper already!

"Happy birthday to you" - how's that chocolate mousse! She LOVED it!

Birthday cuddles from one proud mommy. I love you my girl!!

Wow. So I have an 11 year old now! Blessed, blessed, blessed! Thank you Jesus for blessing my big girl on her special day.

Love Jan xxx

Watching you Grow

2012-02-08T08:29:00.000+02:00

My precious "Little Bear" is beautifully growing up before our eyes. 11 years old today. I can scarcely believe at how quickly the time has flown. Just the other day we were buying our precious firstborn her first bicycle.

Fast forward a few more years and now even I can ride her new bicycle!

Happy birthday my precious darling. You are just as beautiful inside as you are on the outside. You have such a compassionate heart that always looks out for others. Mommy and Daddy could not be prouder to have the privilege of raising you as our firstborn. You have shaped me in more ways than I ever imagined. My life is richer for all the lessons you have taught me. Watching you grow is a treasure from my King and I count it a great honor to be called "mommy" from your sweet little lips. We could never give you enough gifts to equal the precious gifts you have given to us as your parents and family. May you continue to blossom into the fullness of all the beauty that lies within you. What a beautiful destiny you are living out my girl.

All my love xxx

Mommy

Jesus and the Broken Heart

2012-02-01T20:45:00.000+02:00

A precious friend sent me this message written by Max Lucado. It speaks so deeply to my heart.

TheSufferings of His Broken Heart
byMax Lucado

"Gowith me for a moment to witness what was perhaps the foggiest night in history.The scene is very simple; you'll recognize it quickly. A grove of twisted olivetrees. Ground cluttered with large rocks. A low stone fence. A dark, darknight. Now, look into the picture. Look closely through the shadowy foliage.See that person? See that solitary figure? What's he doing? Flat on the ground.Face stained with dirt and tears. Fists pounding the hard earth. Eyes wide witha stupor of fear. Hair matted with salty sweat. Is that blood on his forehead?That's Jesus. Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Maybe you've seen the classicportrait of Christ in the garden. Kneeling beside a big rock. Snow-white robe.Hands peacefully folded in prayer. A look of serenity on his face. Halo overhis head. A spotlight from heaven illuminating his golden-brown hair. Now, I'mno artist, but I can tell you one thing. The man who painted that picturedidn't use the gospel of Mark as a pattern. Look what Mark wrote about thatpainful night, he used phrases like these: “Horror and dismaycame over him.” “My heart is ready to break with grief.” “He went alittle forward and threw himself on the ground.” Does this look like thepicture of a saintly Jesus resting in the palm of God? Hardly. Mark used blackpaint to describe this scene. We see an agonizing, straining, and strugglingJesus. We see a “man of sorrows.” (Isaiah 53:3 NASB) We see a man strugglingwith fear, wrestling with commitments, and yearning for relief. We see Jesus inthe fog of a broken heart. The writer of Hebrews would later pen, “During thedays of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loudcries and tears to the one who could save him from death.” (Hebrews 5:7NIV) My, what a portrait! Jesus is in pain. Jesus is on the stage of fear.Jesus is cloaked, not in sainthood, but in humanity. The next time the fogfinds you, you might do well to remember Jesus in the garden. The next time youthink that no one understands, reread the fourteenth chapter of Mark. The nexttime your self-pity convinces you that no one cares, pay a visit to Gethsemane.And the next time you wonder if God really perceives the pain that prevails onthis dusty planet, listen to him pleading among the twisted trees. The next timeyou are called to suffer, pay attention. It may be the closest you'll ever getto God. Watch closely. It could very well be that the hand that extends itselfto lead you out of the fog is a pierced one."

Only You Jesus ... only You.

2012-02-01T20:07:00.000+02:00

I am moody, sad, emotional, teary, mad and 101 different grief filled emotions and yet still I feel His arms enfold me. That is what you call a faithful Saviour. He takes me as He finds me and draws me near. His voice is tender and soothing. He loves away at the ache and He fills me with fresh hope. Only Jesus. Forever grateful Lord ... forever grateful.

Janine xxx

Dear Zac ... How is it going Up There?

2012-01-31T20:05:00.001+02:00

Dear Zac,

4 months my little love. Exactly 4 months since you gazed into mommy's eyes and then Heaven engulfed you. While I never want to re-live the intense pain and shock of having to let you go, I so wish I could be back in the moment with you looking into my eyes. It was the most sacred moment I have ever experienced. One moment you were looking deep into my heart and the next you were looking into the eyes of Jesus. Somewhere in my heart I knew Father God was giving me a gift in that moment - a last look to treasure till our eyes lock onto each other again in Heaven. These are the gifts that come only through great pain. There is such a Holy presence of God when we are given the opportunity of seeing someone we love step into eternity with Jesus. Just allowing myself to think back to those moments brings so many emotions that I have no words to express. You know in full and see with even greater clarity than I will for a long time still to come. You now see everything through God's perspective. That gives me strength as I work through the hard moments and allow myself to remember our time together. Today I need to look back on that day. There is healing in facing my pain and choosing to see the gifts. That day will always be the most intense moments of my life, weighted with the very presence of God bearing witness to such a sacred moment. This is the hope that we have in Christ alone. With the floods of pain, comes the very person and essence of Grace to hold and guide us through the deep waters of grief. Somehow He doesn't allow those waters to overcome us. He carries us through. My boy, that is the only way that mommy can handle the grief and longing. It is by letting go and allowing Jesus to carry me, your daddy and little sisters.

My heart tells me that you smile when Jesus tells you how we are doing. You know that we are going to come through. I don't always know how that is possible, but my heart assures me of that truth when I hurt the most. (Sometimes I am convinced we swapped hearts that day - it sure feels like half my heart disappeared the day I kissed you goodbye). But, you and I both know that Jesus is so faithful in tending to our hearts with love and truth to assure us of where you are and that the very reminder of your life points us to Him and urges us to point others to the One who holds you securely in His arms. The same God who gave you a whole heart in Heaven is healing our hearts here on earth. Because of you a story is being told about the faithfulness of a loving God who tends to the broken hearted. That will always be our story to tell, because Jesus has used your very presence in our lives to teach us many deep truths about His love. It is our priceless treasure to have you as our son. The scars we carry in our hearts are a beautiful reminder of a God with whom nothing is impossible. He is the mender of all brokenness. We wear these scars with honor, because when we see what only God could possibly piece back together, we see His fingerprints all over our lives.

While I know that we are in a process of healing, I also have to tell you how much we ache for you. Grief is hard my boy, and I am glad that you have been spared of ever having to face it. My missing you is a constant reminder to see the privilege of every moment raising your sisters. It's not always easy trying to see clearly through grief. Some days are really hard on all of us. Grief makes us emotional (Oh my word! You must be so proud of how your daddy handles all 3 of us emotional girls!). Sometimes I feel overwhelmed having to learn how to guide your sisters through their pain and still help them cope with school and growing up, when I myself am trying to see through the fog of pain. Again - His grace meets me. Again, your presence has changed forever the way I now parent. Walking into a room I have just cleaned to discover it covered in blankets, pillows and almost everything else your sisters could possibly make a fort out of is now OK. In fact - its a prized memory. Before I would have been frustrated with more work to do. Now I see the gift of a childhood memory that I can witness being lived out in front of me. Your sisters will give you high fives for making mommy lighten up over the small stuff ;0)
Today I am wondering what songs are being sung to you in your Heavenly nursery. I'm sure the singing would take my breathe away. I know you are swaddled in Divine love and that Jesus is faithfully passing on all those kisses mommy keeps sending your way.

Daddy is busy reading bedtime stories to your sisters. I wonder if Jesus sometimes lets you peek in? That makes me smile. Mommy better go kiss those girls goodnight. I love you my sweet boy.
Love mommy xxx

A "Living Boquet"

2012-01-28T09:54:00.000+02:00

I walked outside to tend to my beautiful rose garden and look at this beautiful outpouring of love from my Heavenly Father.

12 beautiful white roses all off one main stem. I love this rose bush. It's my "Antique Silk" rosebush and it reminds me of the purity of my sweet little boy. In the first few weeks of grieving I was so heart-broken at the thought of being robbed of spending a lifetime on this earth with my little love. Then, in His gentle grace God slowly began to show me some of Zac's amazing treasures, one of the biggest being that he has been privileged that he will never have to taste the repercussions of sin in his life. He was born into a room filled with love and met by the person of Love Himself who sustained him long enough to fill his heart with our love, and more so, to allow our hearts to soak up all of his sweetness before it was time to live in his Heavenly home. He has and always will know the purity of a life unstained by sin or regret. What a privilege and a beautiful reminder to me as I now live my life, to choose God daily. To choose to live a life of no regrets. To choose to daily accept His gift of grace and righteousness. This little boy of mine continues to teach his mommy so much about Jesus. He gets to be held by Christ Himself , and the same arms that hold him and coo over him as a little baby in Heaven are the same arms that enfold and soothe my heart with such tenderness. Those are the same hands causing beauty to grow around me, offering me a "living bouquet" in my garden just to whisper - "I love you".

I know that there are many hurting people that read this blog. Maybe when you look at these flowers it will represent something different to you, but in it, may you see the arms of such a loving Jesus offering you His living outpouring of love, tenderness and encouragement as He whispers to your heart today the words that all of us need to hear over and over again ... "I love you". While we all have to choose daily to receive the gift of His righteousness, maybe this bouquet is your reminder that though you may see all your faults or failures ... when He looks at you, He sees you pure and beautiful through His grace ... just like these beautiful white roses. He sees grace and beauty when He looks at you.

These beautiful 12 roses feels like a love gift given to soothe my heart with a special "Jesus Kiss". May you feel that kiss on your heart today in every flower you see.

All my love xxx

Janine

Favourite Quotes

2012-01-25T12:16:00.001+02:00

Two quotes I read lately that I love:

"Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message."

Malcolm Muggeridge

Keep your eyes and ears open today for little ways that God may be speaking to you. For me this week, it was through a flock of mixed birds landing on my lawn to feed. I have a big old tree that hangs over my gate and every afternoon at around 6:30 the sounds from that tree come alive. I have been gazing out on that big old tree for weeks wondering which shy but noisy little creatures are living in there. Then on Monday, unexpectedly as I was sitting on the porch chatting on the phone all these mixed little birds flew out from under that tree and settled in to feast on the bread crumbs I had scattered earlier in the day. They splashed in the bird bath that we faithfully fill, yet have never yet seen a bird make use of and these little birds put on the most beautiful show for me as I sat there with tears threatening to pour once again, taking in the simple wonder of having God treat me to one of my wanderings and heart's desire. He said so much to my heart in that precious moment.

Here's the next quote:

"Life is an empty canvas. Others may colour or shade it, but God's hand holds the brush that paints the picture of your life."
Anonymous

No matter what you are negotiating today, I want to encourage you that there is a Master Creator painting the most beautiful picture. While you may not be able to see it yet, one day you will stand back in wonder at the beauty revealed.

All my love,

Janine xxx

When the tears roll down ...

2012-01-24T20:16:00.002+02:00

I am constantly amazed at what a roller coaster ride grief is. Today has been a strong day. I woke up early to have an invigorating walk on the beach with friends. By 8:30 I was booked in for a deluxe pedicure from a friend. So fun to have bright pink toenails ;0) I came home and lay on a garden chair outside soaking up some Summer sunshine and started reading a beautiful book by Max Lucado that I am LOVING ... it's called "Facing your Giants". Seriously ... that man has the most beautiful gift in expression. His words paint such vivid pictures which make God's truths so real and understandable.

I had a good afternoon with the girls doing homework, playing games and ending off with a precious devotional reading together. Now tonight as my little girls are tucked into bed and my hubby is relaxing, I sit here in my rocking chair in what should have been Zac's room and I feel drawn to close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to have my little boy in my arms as I rock him to sleep. The missing is so strong tonight. I just want to sit here and remember every tiny detail about my precious son. I want to imagine how much he has grown and how his little features have developed. It hurts to have to wait to see how he has blossomed in Heaven.

I kept some of my special little outfits and blankets that were lovingly chosen for this precious little boy that we had so longed for. I want to pull them all out and hold them just to remember, but to look at them will make the pain worse today. It breaks my heart that I won't ever be able to take any photo's of him wearing those sweet outfits. I remember the giddiness that I felt when I picked out so many of those precious little things, just beside myself that we were having another little darling. I had no idea how much this little boy would change each of our hearts forever. We fell head over heels in love with him from the day that we found out I was pregnant. This time last year I was just about to find out that I was pregnant. I would do anything to go back in time and have those precious months carrying him all over again, just to feel him and know his closeness again. We knew such joy. Now to not have him with us now just feels so wrong. It's an emptiness that I could never describe. I ache over the wrongness of it all.

When we were told in Cape Town that Zac did have a serious heart defect and that they weren't sure anything could be done for him, I remember flying home on the airplane with tears streaming down my face imagining myself sitting in this rocking chair with no baby to take home. I remember vividly choosing in that moment to choose life and heart peace. I did not want my little boy to absorb anything but peace, faith, hope and love coming from his mommy and daddy. Now I sit here in this chair and absorb the reality of the picture that played through my mind that day. It is now my reality and now is our time to cry and grieve for the loss of the dearest little boy that we would have done anything to have the privilege to raise. I have no regrets for the way we believed and guarded our hearts during the remainder of our pregnancy. It allowed us to love even deeper and it gave our Zac the gift of seeing that he was nothing but our greatest joy and delight as his mom, dad and sisters. I so wish it had all turned out differently. I just have to keep drawing on the fact that he now lives in the most abundant life and love and a day will come when we will share in that with him.

So for tonight, I am going to let the tears pour. I am going to remember everything I can about my sweet boy and then I am going to allow the grace filled comfort of my Loving Saviour to wrap around my heart and give me renewed strength to face another day tomorrow to tackle all the highs and lows that will come with it. I know that He is redeeming and restoring and also that it is a process of healing.

Forever carried by His grace,

Janine

Wearing my Heart on my Sleeve

2012-01-21T18:51:00.000+02:00

I haven't really been in a blogging head space lately. I have so many feelings, but few words to put it all into. There are no pictures today and quite honestly, I don't even know what is going to come out as I write. That's kind of how I write. I put my fingers to the keyboard and wait to see what comes out. I've come to accept that I am actually quite a "let's just jump into the deep end and I'm sure I'll figure out how to swim" kinda-gal - at least with writing that is. That's how I roll peeps, so if you are brave enough to read on, I'm impressed by your courage ;0)

On a whole, there a lot more really good days these days. That in itself seems like a huge miracle to me, because almost 4 months ago I never thought I would ever be able to feel anything but intense missing, longing and pain. Mixed into the good days are often moments though, that bring me back to the stark reminder of life in the here-and-now without my little boy in my arms. Those moments never cease to take me by surprise. It's like I never see them coming. They aren't necessarily big things. In fact, it's usually quite the opposite. For me, it is the small random things ... the look on one of my children's faces when we walk past a tiny baby. They go from totally happy to sad without a word needing to be said. I get how they feel, because I often feel the same way. This week, I had a few of those moments. A big one for me was having to fill out an information form for each of my girls for their class teachers. I have filled out this same form every year for the last 5 years, but this time it sucker-punched me. Each questionnaire had an ordinary question that completely stymied me. The question: "how many children do you have" and their placement "eldest, youngest or .....................". I totally did not know what to write, without having to write an essay to explain. Do I write "2" simply because the school will only ever meet 2 of my children or do I write 3, because that is my reality, but then if I write 3 how do I place Angelee? She isn't my youngest anymore, yet in life here on earth she is. See what I mean!!! So complicated!!! It takes me back to the place of having to work through my feelings of loss over and over again.

Walking through the shops this week a lady walked behind me and suddenly called out, "Zac". I froze and turned on instinct as if expecting to find my little boy, and then reality hit me as I watched this stranger reaching out to her little boy called Zac. It took all of me to not crumple to the floor and sob my eyes out, but I had my girls with me and thankfully they hadn't heard or seen the exchange.

I am coming to accept that grief is complicated and tricky. It's unpredictable and not always within your control. How you respond to it is, but it's one of those things that you can't always be prepared for how you are going to feel. You think you are in one place one day, and then you realise that you have so many more twists and turns in the road to negotiate. Quite frankly, it's a big stinker!!!!!!!! I may have found a quiet acceptance over Zac's story, but I will never like it as long as I live on this round, green little place called earth. Quite frankly, it just makes me determined to live my life more invested in making each of my days count for something bigger than the mundane, mingled together with a real longing for Heaven too. I could never understand Paul's statement that to live is Christ, but to die is gain. I always kind of felt a little scared of moving on from earth and all I know and love, but now I look at life here on earth with a much greater heavenly perspective. I want the way I live here to have lasting impact in my eternity with Christ, the way my little boy has. That pull within my heart urges me to grieve honestly, but not to be swallowed up in the pain. That, dear friends is a moment by moment choice because the temptation to stay overwhelmed by grief is so very strong some days.

In many areas I can sense that I have navigated another bend in the journey and the road is a little lighter in some ways. I can finally read articles about working through grief with kids without falling to pieces emotionally. It still breaks my heart that my darling girls have had to walk this road. I can only handle reading books and articles lightly at my own pace (with the help and insight of an amazing child psychologist - you know who you are and you know how much I love you - hugs xoxox). Having to read everything that different people suggest to me is just too overwhelming. God knows what I can absorb as I work through all of this. I do sense His amazing healing and comfort all the time. There is not a day that goes by where I do not feel Him present and attending the hearts of my family. I finally 'get' / understand the blessing in mourning when Jesus says "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted". The blessing is that God Himself comforts us in a way that no book, words etc ever could. He is so sensitive and tender with our hearts and always intentional in showing His comfort so personally to each person as an individual. I find it quite interesting to see how each of us grieve differently and at different stages as a family and yet His comfort meets each of us where we are at. Only the Lord could have revealed the "blessing" within mourning to me. If anybody else had of quoted me that verse in the first stages of grief, I would not have been able to grasp it yet and it would have just added to the hurt. I was too raw and the pain too intense to accept that there could be any kind of blessing at all in the pain of loosing a child. All I wanted was my little boy. Not any promise like "God works all things for the good. This was obviously for the best, somehow. Just wait and see." Both Brett and I have both had many conversations with people along those lines and it took a lot to graciously hold back and see it from the heart that it was intended which was to comfort. We get that it is really awkward to know what to say to grieving parents, but a gentle insight here is that truths like these can only be revealed from the Lord, for only He can see the heart of a hurting parent and knows when ones heart can actually bare those promises without the searing pain. I am slowly beginning to glimpse some of those truths, but it is still bittersweet. As a mother it will never "feel" like all things have worked together for my good in this regard, but my heart trusts my Father with this journey we are walking. Faith isn't about how we "feel". I've come to see thatJesus can handle my outbursts as I negotiate my feelings. These outbursts don't push Him away from me. In fact, as I tackle them with Him, He is drawing me closer and closer because He knows my heart and trust in Him. To any hurting person reading this, know that you can be completely real with your emotions with God as you work through your pain. I have come to see that the cost has been very great, but His grace is still greater and that is what I open my heart to every single day. His grace is what carries me.

Ok, for a post that began with I only have "few words", ummmm, I think maybe I just found about a thousand or so more to express my heart ;0) Seriously, if you have read all this without skim reading you deserve a medal!!!!! hee hee
Oohh, and I just found a picture for this post from Google images.

I guess it's destined to be called "wearing my heart on my sleeve". My hubby can never get why I live so openly through this blog. I guess it's because I'd rather be honest than live life wearing a mask. I'm a work in progress in the Potters hands. By living in the truth, flaws and all - it's a slap in the devils face to remind him that he has no claim on me or the pain I have encountered. The Potter is patiently working out my flaws! One day He alone will get all the victory! Yay Jesus!!! My heart is so much for us daughters of God to lower our masks and show the beauty of being molded more and more into His image. Another post for another time.

To those of you who actually read this stuff (it seriously amazes me that anyone would want to read any of this stuff I write) thank you for sticking with me through this journey. I have had the precious opportunity of meeting some of you, and so many of you have been such a great encouragement to me. To those of you that I have never met and yet you write and share your heart with me ... you will never know how much it has meant to me.

Today, as always, I am sending you all my love!!!!!

Janine xxx

Walking in the Rain

2012-01-13T15:40:00.000+02:00

Posts have been on the quieter side as I took a break from my emails and blogging with my family here for Christmas and New Year. I have so many beautiful pictures of a precious time together. Thankfully my sis was on the ball during our holiday, so you can check them out at her blog if you like. I guarantee that you will be blessed by her encouraging posts. (Hey - she's the best big sis ever, so I'm allowed to brag - hee hee). I also have to do a post soon about tackling my very first sewing project on the last day of holiday with my sis. Watch this space.

This week has been all about settling back into family routine. Brett started back at work (I miss him!!!! But, we did sneak out to lunch before fetching the girls from school - oh how I love those "stolen moments". It keeps us feeling like newly weds (almost 15 years later). My big girl has slotted so well into her new grade 5 class and it blesses me to see her excited about the grade ahead. It has also been quite peaceful for me to watch my Leelee enter grade 1. I thought I might find it hard to let go, but I am just too aware that she is ready for this. It's her time to grow! I on the other side need to stop growing (if you know what I mean ;0) ... one too many choccies after supper throughout the holiday plus the extra pregnancy kilo's) so I made a exercise comeback. I walked into the gym only to discover that things change in a year ;0) Seriously ... it had a total overhaul!!! I felt quite lost! I eventually found the pool and have loved just easing this body back to a gentle pace of health and energy. Living by the coast is a blessing that sometimes I have taken too lightly. Not this Summer though! I am choosing to really embrace the joy of a life lived in Christ. Those joys come from keeping your eye's open for opportunities to grow, laugh and live in freedom. A dear friend had the guts to start walking with me while I was preggy last year and also when I came back broken. She has allowed me the grace to talk while we walk at slow and fast paces depending on my state of mind. We walked the beachfront yesterday and loved it so much that we came back this morning ... IN THE RAIN! I cannot tell you how blissful it was to walk in the gentle rain. It was so delightful and refreshing (thanks Ronche ... you are a hard core exercise buddy, come rain or shine. Mwah)!

It's been a good week venturing back into everyday-life as I find my new pace. I am all too aware at how quickly "stuff" can fill up my week before I have done the things that really matter for my heart and soul. So here is a really arb post just to say ... next time you feel like the everyday hum-drum is getting you stressed - go find a friend to take a walk in the rain with and simply laugh!!! It's such a great way to lift your heart in so many ways.

Sending you all my love,

Janine xxx

Watching her bloom

2012-01-11T21:24:00.001+02:00

Today was a big day for our family. We watched our little girl all of a sudden grow up in front of our eyes and enter big school with such peace and confidence. Our little Angelee is finally at big school with her protective big sis!

On the way to school ...

Talk about Daddy's little mini-me. I just LOVE this pic!

And I am also so jolly proud of my big girl for taking this photo for us. A photographer in the making!

Today my heart is rejoicing that I am given the privilege of watching these two beautiful daughters of ours bloom. My heart rejoices at the thought of what adventures lie in store for us as a family this year. Our precious Zac is our constant reminder to live each day finding the reason to celebrate. I am going to sleep with a smile on my face having watched my little girl rise to the occasion and tackle her first day so bravely. Well done my Leelee!

All my love xxx

Janine

Beauty Awaits

2012-01-01T21:21:00.003+02:00

There is something so gracious about the start of a new year. It always feels like a clear slate. An opportunity for new beginnings. Sometimes it's the chance to start all over again, or maybe it is the moment of finally choosing to leave the past in the past and walking into the blessings of what 'now' entails. While it is a letting go, it is also an embracing of the beauty that awaits. For me, this year, it's the treasure of knowing that there is purpose and destiny of incredible adventures and memories to be explored in the days ahead. This is my little "Happy New Year" to you as you enter 2012. There is untold beauty to discover in Him this year as you do what you were made to do ... to walk with the One who has destiny written over each of our days. I am walking into this year with heart peace and beautiful expectancy, because I walk into this year with my King. I walk into this year with a deep sense of thanksgiving for the family that He has entrusted to me and also with a far greater appreciation for the opportunity to love deeply each day.

All my love and prayers for blessing to you in your journeys of "love in action" this year. There are beautiful stories in the making for each of us.

All my Love

Janine xxx

And then there was you

2011-12-30T22:08:00.001+02:00

Exactly 3 months ago today you were born. I held you in my arms and knew such relief. I had no idea that my time with you would be so short. My heart knew only overwhelming love for you and faith that defies fear. I now see what a gift that faith was. It allowed me to be fully present with peace, instead of fear and panic for the time that we were given with you. It was pure joy to finally see you and hold you in our arms. I remember stroking your sweet little nose and kissing you over and over again and looking up into the smiling eyes of your courageous Daddy. My boy - I know that you are so proud of your Daddy - the way he fought for you and stood fearlessly in faith, believing for your best. Both Daddy and I miss you so much. Not a day goes by that we don't think about you and miss you with all our hearts. Your sisters talk to mommy about you so much. We all have a debate on about who will get to see you in Heaven first ;0) Whoever it will be ... they will have so many hugs and kisses to give to you from the rest of us. We also all have different ideas on what colour eyes you have. Daddy is convinced that they are blue. I can't wait to see when we finally meet again.

Daddy built us a fountain in your honour for our garden, so that as we sit outside and listen to the running water, we remember you with such love in our hearts. He worked so hard on it and it brings us so much joy to look at. It makes me wonder what beautiful gardens Jesus carries you through in Heaven. I'm sure they are breathtaking.

As I took a few minutes to water the garden we planted in your remembrance, my heart dropped to discover the pure white standard rose we planted in the middle had broken in half by the wind today. It was just too much for me. I broke down and sobbed. It was such a picture of what I mourned for today ... a beautiful, pure life with so much budding potential and beauty taken so swiftly before it had been given time to even bloom into it's fullness. I cried for every milestone I will miss seeing you reach. I cried for the loss of raising and loving you and for all the dreams that we had for you in our every day life. I cried and cried and cried. And now, Jesus comes once again to whisper truth to my grieving heart. While I miss your presence with us here on earth, you are blooming into the fullness of your destiny in Heaven. You are experiencing what pure love is like. Your life still has such significant impact here on earth as your story has been a beautiful beacon pointing so many people to true heart peace - the person of Jesus Christ. While I cry for the loss of our dreams with you, Jesus gently reminds me that you are living and alive and just a little bit further along the journey from the rest of your family. Heaven isn't as far away as it used to seem to me. You have shown me how close it is.

I know you know it, but I want to tell you again today how much we love you. Sending you all my hugs and kisses as I go to sleep with a heart comforted by the same God who watches over you for me.

Love Mommy xxx

3 months and a Christmas milestone later ...

2011-12-27T22:38:00.000+02:00

Tonight is another one of those nights where the tears do not want to stop falling. Everything inside of me feels so broken that I wonder how I will ever feel whole again. I feel like I am permanently negotiating a million different emotions in a day. There are moments where hope is so clear that I can glimpse a perspective more beautiful than my brokenness would dare for me to believe, but then there comes a moment like this afternoon that knocks my breathe away ... my daughters taking turns at falling into my arms in floods of tears at the injustice of such a short lifespan for their little brother. How do I take their pain away? Or the moment where I cried with my sister today as I realized that I could never again hold the beautiful blue and green quilt that she lovingly made for Zac, because the day that he died I could not bare for him to be taken away from me without being wrapped up in something warm that was woven in love and prayers, made with faith in the promise of hope. More than anything I want him in my arms in that quilt right now. Then there is the pain that I see in my precious husbands eyes as he misses his treasured son after having bonded so deeply with him when he was in my womb and then eventually holding his little boy, only to have to release him before being given the privilege of watching him grow up before our earthly eyes. EVERYTHING reminds me of the pain our family has endured. Watching my daughters and nieces open their Christmas presents, but realizing constantly that one of our darlings will always be missing. Hanging up the Christmas stockings, but not having one to fill for Zac. Sitting around the table to eat Christmas lunch, but only having a candle to light in Zac's remembrance. Watching my little niece and nephews reach their milestones and knowing that I will never be able to boast about Zac's growth and developing personality. How on earth does everything else carry on as normal when the pain is so real and devastating to us? Having to accept that we will never be the same again as a family is so hard. Do I know that God will bring beauty from these ashes? Absolutely. But right now I just want to kick and scream that we have these ashes to deal with. The only thing that brings my heart peace is looking at this life from an Eternal perspective. That is the place that I keep going back to when I feel like I do today. I lift my eyes to the One from where my help comes from. I look to the One who knows how to bring us through even as He holds my son in His arms. When I look up, I see that glimmer of hope again and find the courage to keep growing in my faith and trust in Him. I am not going to pretend for one second that this is an easy journey. It is so very hard to understand and make peace with. I still fail to understand why we have been entrusted with this story, but I do not fail to trust and believe that God is good and that He is loving us through all this heartache.

So often I feel an unspoken pressure to have it all sorted though and look like we are back to normal, moving forward - looking brave to anyone who might look on. Nobody particularly expects this of us - it is more the voice of the accuser who would love to bring maximum devastation from our pain. I know better than to think for one second that any of what we have gone through is God's doing. What we have walked through is the result of a broken and fallen world. This brokenness is what drew Jesus to come and live a sacrificial life so that He can offer us the gift and hope of Eternal life. Everything that I am going through right now makes that so much clearer to me. While I am so saddened by this chapter of our story, I know that there is still a beautiful picture and many precious memories and gifts that we have been given too. It's choosing to mindful of that in the pain.
While I wish that this was a light hearted after-Christmas post, it's more of a real from-the-heart account of where we are at. We are so grateful for the love and support of family and friends who have walked this part of the journey with us. Having my sister here to brave our first Christmas after Zac is so brave on their part and so much appreciated even as I tackle my highs and lows. I know that with time we will grow through these first really intense months. It's just one step at a time.
With love from a very honest and hurting, yet somehow healing Jan xxx

Seeing the Glimmer of Joy

2011-12-21T21:34:00.000+02:00

It's been a little quiet over at my blog these last few days ... just in a reflective head space I guess. We have also been hard at work getting our home ready for my precious sister, brother in law, nieces and extended family who are arriving for the Christmas holidays. Roll on Friday ;0) I love the thought of squeezing an extra 6 people into our humble home. It just makes me miss my precious Mommy Darling who usually comes home from the US for Christmas - but we were spoilt to have 2 visits with her during the year. My dad, Brett's folks and siblings are all away on well deserved holidays after a really full year.

The girls slept out at their Granny and Poppi last night, so hubby and I took the gap to go out for dinner and a movie. We watched New Years Eve. I sobbed watching the shots of the newborn babies in the hospital nurseries, just being reminded again how much I miss Zac and how I so wish it could have been different. After the movie, I bumped into a friend who told me of another mommy who had just lost her 2 year old son that morning. A little boy we had all been praying for in church on Sunday. I wanted to crumple to the ground and just sob and scream at the injustice of such a fallen and broken world ... knowing the raw pain that this precious mother and father are enduring right now - a pain I wish nobody would ever have to face, yet far too many parents do. When I came home I couldn't help but feel down wondering if our lives will always be marked with a quiet, unspoken sadness. We have become one of those families who can relate to others who have also lost children. It brings tears to my eyes that this is a part of my daughters life stories. How different I wish it could have been for them. While we have definitely found the God given ability to laugh as a family, there are so often moments that bring me back to the fact that my little family will always have the story of having faced loss at it's rawest. I woke up this morning and allowed myself the time to really take stock of what we have just walked through. I went right back to the beginning ...

I will never forget the look of sheer rejoicing on Brett's face when I discovered on the 7th of February that I was pregnant with the child that we had prayed so long for. God's timing was just an added gift that we could announce it to our eldest daughter on her 10th birthday the very next day was so unforgettably special. She had prayed for a brother for years. Right from day 1 Brett knew that I was pregnant with his son. I bought a little babygrow to give him on the day we would find out the sex just in case it was in fact a little boy. This photo makes me want to cry at the memory of our joy. We had just walked out of our appointment with the girls after cheering so loud for the entire waiting room area to hear! We were all smiles. We were going to have a little boy! The girls had a baby brother!!!

Brett's smile says it all. That smile sums up our entire experience with Zac ... pure joy. That is what I will always remember when I think back on my pregnancy with Zac. We only knew hope and love for this treasured son. When we found out at 30 weeks that he had some sort of radical heart defect that they could not fully label at the time, faith like I have never experienced before rose in our hearts. This was a gift from God to us, because instead of grieving over perceived worst case scenario's ... God gave us heart peace through faith to enjoy every moment with Zac in my womb. Looking back at those weeks of praying and trusting for a miracle, I see now that the miracle that God did was in our hearts. Even at Zac's birth, instead of tension and fear ... our hearts were garrisoned in hope and joy. This allowed us to make every moment with him precious and a memory that will last a lifetime for Brett and I. Even the Doctors present kept saying how joyous his birth was even though they were all preparing for the worst case. That sweet little boy only saw his mommy, daddy and sisters smiling and rejoicing over him and doting on him with love unspeakable. It was only in his last moments that he felt his mommy's tears mingled with deep love falling over him as we sang and prayed over him. Even then ... peace Himself stood in the room upholding Brett and I so that Zac's passing into glory was bathed in glory. This is what a God of love does. He makes Himself present in the highs and deepest lows of our journey through life. This is the only reason why I have hope and peace in my pain, because every day He is present. That is the gift of who Jesus is. He has never been a God to stand far off to those who will call on His name. It is purely because we called on His name that we can look back over this year and see His fingerprints all over our lives as He walked us through moment by moment. Even now He adds to my perspective when I take the time to look into His eyes and bare my heart to Him. He shows me glimmers of deep joy even in the pain.

I woke up this morning wondering if our story will always be one of sadness, but as I have been typing this, perspective like a ray of hope and beauty has come shining through to me that our story with Zac is not just one of sadness and loss. It is in fact one of celebration and life. This little boy took us as a family to the deepest place we have ever walked with Jesus. One of hope and trust. He showed us how to see Jesus and the eternal hope that we have because of His love. He showed us how passionately and deeply we can love each other when our hearts are centered on the Person of Love - Jesus. My sweet little boy is teaching me that time is so precious and not to waste it, but to treasure the relationships in our lives. To move beyond hurt, anger and resentments and to love purposefully with all our hearts. Our time with Zac here on earth was far too short, but his impact continues to inspire hope and truth in our lives. This baby boy continues to draw us to Jesus where we find love and hope. I may not like how painful this walk is at times (and it is really hard), but it is certainly not in vain. Zac has taught me what comfort and compassion looks like. He has shown me how many broken hearted people there are and to tell his story so that they can also meet the only Healer of the broken hearted. Nobody can take away the pain of losing a child except for Jesus. To come in our brokenness and sit at his feet is to behold the feet of the One who was well acquainted with suffering and pain and willingly walked that road to offer us hope and heart healing and the most important gift of eternal life with Him. Faith is not always getting everything you want or looking like you have it all together. Faith is living a life surrendered in trust and allowing Jesus to help us to live in wholeness, purposefully fulfilling our destiny with amazing adventures along the way. We don't always get what we want or expect in life, but when we place our faith in Jesus Christ ... we get more. We get Love Himself willing to lead us personally through our journey here on earth into an eternity that is more beautiful than anything we could hope or dream of.

Today I am thanking God that even though I ache so deeply for what I dreamed of sharing here on earth with Zac, I continue to receive life changing gifts from a little boy who delights in seeing his family live for eternal significance ... lives that acknowledge abundant life and joy. He wants our lives to speak of hope and life ... not just sorrow and pain. Somehow, that gives me good reason to look for things to smile over and throw my head back and laugh. It's a process of healing, but today I see that glimmer of joy more clearly and I choose to smile.

All my love as always xxx

Janine

The God who Sees

2011-12-14T22:26:00.000+02:00

I just read such a beautiful verse!

"Behold, the Lord's eye is upon those who fear Him (who revere and worship Him with awe), who wait for Him and hope in His mercy and loving-kindness."

Psalm 33:18

This verse speaks so deeply to my heart, because as I look back over the last few months since we first heard Zac's heart diagnosis and all the highs and lows that followed, one thing that I can say for certain is that all along I have known that His eye has been upon us as a family. As I stop to reflect today, I remember the lengths that the Lord went to, to show us His amazing attention to detail to express His love and Presence to us in every moment that we have faced. He raised up an army of believers to stand with us as a family, who encouraged us and loved us through what should have been the hardest time. Every day leading up to Zac's birth was supernaturally protected in "heart peace" because He had His eye on us, sending so many to love us and pray us through each day.

He went before us in arranging a safe place for Zac's birth, far away from home, with a team of doctors and nurses who gave us and our son the most supportive care. Looking back, I know that it was purely the favour of the Lord that we were given the time we had with Zac without him being kept away from us in the NICU all the time. It was the favour of the Lord that He never experienced pain or cardiac arrest even with such a defected heart. He simply breathed one moment and was with the Lord in the next. Not one gasping breath ... nor a trace of pain or strain on his precious little face ... all in the arms of his mommy with his daddy singing and praying over him. It is a gift I will always praise my Heavenly Father for. In that very moment, I knew His presence like I have never known before. It was the most sacred moment I have ever experienced. His eye was upon us in our hardest moment.

After his passing, He had already arranged the most peaceful & secluded place tucked away in the mountains, looking out onto the sea as a place to grieve that first week after His passing.The fact that He orchestrated everything to take place in Cape Town was a gift to us in hindsight. For us personally, He knew that it would be too painful for us to constantly be reminded of the same landmarks etc. Our time in Cape Town was a time where I came to understand what it meant to be "hidden in the cleft of the rock". His attention to detail in this regard was like a balm to my hurting heart.

In coming home, His compassion flooded towards us with love like I have never experienced through so many people pouring out words of comfort, meals, messages, flowers for Zac's garden, phone calls and just so many amazing other ways. A friend took me out to tea in a beautiful nursery which was a quiet and safe place for me to wander around. Others have just sat and cried with me and allowed me to talk about my sweet boy - such a precious gift to a grieving parent. All of these moments express to me that my Father's eye is upon me.

Once I got back home to P.E. His favour once again flowed over me as He made a way for my precious mom to be flown over from the U.S. to be with me in time for Zac's celebration service. Having her and my sister with me gave me strength to face one of my hardest days. His grace carried us through that day. I remember clearly looking out into the sky when we released 100 balloons to celebrate our sweet boy and sensing His eye looking upon us. A friend later sent me this picture of that moment. The first thing that struck me was the heart shaped cloud and then my husband pointed out that if you look closely at the top right of the cloud, it has the shape of an eye in it.

God is always in the details. While this may not speak to anyone else, this speaks volumes to my hubby and I. It shows us that He sees and He knows. He is with us in our journey. God does this for all who will look to Him. He delights to express His love to us in personal ways to show us His presence with us.

These last 2 days again, He has shown me once again how He sees the small details of my life and cares. I shared how blessed I was a few weeks ago when a surprise book was sent to me. It was a God-send at the perfect time. Well yesterday was another moment like that. I went looking for some roses to put in my house (for some reason it is a comfort to my heart to have living flowers in the home that makes me smile when I look at them). I couldn't find any at the shops. At the end of the afternoon my doorbell rang with a delivery from a dear friend ... an exquisite bunch of flowers.

What spoke so deeply to my heart is that these flowers (the roses and pin-cushion protea's) became my favourites to have in my garden of remembrance of Zac. This wasn't something that I had told anyone, just something I had pondered upon when walking around the nursery in the days after his passing. That the Lord is so mindful of that to place it on a friends heart to surprise me with takes my breath away. He sees and He knows. He also knows how much I love surprises. This came on a totally random day - no big milestone ... just a day of really missing my boy. My Jesus sent me flowers through a friend.

Again today He showed me His care by surprising me with another gift. A beautiful hamper of so many of my favourite goodies. Just a little surprise from another friend.

She had handpicked things that were our favourites to go into this hamper. For me it was just another kiss from my King to show me once again that He sees and He knows.

So much of this may seem random to some, but to me it is a clear picture of how He demonstrates His love in action. He is concerned with the little details of our hearts, because it shows us just how big His love for us really is. The God of the universe sees straight into our hearts and if we are willing to hope in His unfailing love ... we will see His eye upon us in the most unexpected and extraordinary ways.

All my love xxx

Janine

Hope for the Hurting (beautiful books & blogs that have really helped me)

2011-12-13T12:57:00.000+02:00

I've been excited to post this for a while. Today I want to share with you some books and blogs that have been a wonderful source of encouragement to me over the last few weeks since Zac's graduation. I am so thankful for those who have had the courage to share so openly about their journey and the pearls of wisdom that God has given to them through their experiences.

A few days after Zac passed, while I was still in absolute shock and just immersed in the pain of loss, a bloggy friend told me about this book that she had read that helped her so much after her precious 3 year old daughter became a Heavenly citizen :0) It is written by the parents of a 19 year old young man who passed away suddenly in an accident. It was such an encouragement to open my eyes to a more Heavenly perspective. These parents have such a real picture of where there son is and how Josiah is fulfilling his ultimate calling. The book is called "Have Heart" by Steve & Sarah Berger. They pastor a church in the US and have such a passion to minister to those who have loved ones who have gone to their Heavenly home. One thing that really shone out for me is how they negotiated moving past the "why" into rather choosing "what are you going to do through the circumstance?". In doing so, many have come to know the heart of the Saviour.

Another book that really helped us was reading our daughters Colton's story from the Book "Heaven is for Real" written by his dad, Todd Burpo. It became such a sweet family time for us to read it in the evenings together. All of a sudden Heaven has become so real to them. It brought such peace to watch them grasp a beautiful revelation that their little brother is very much alive and living in fullness in Heaven. We absolutely loved this book.

On a day that I was feeling particularly low, I was surprised to find a little parcel in my post box. Oh how I LOVE surprises!!! (I was always the kid who chose the 'lucky packet' because the suspense of finding out what was hidden inside far outweighed the cheap, nasty sweets that went with the 'surprise'! hee hee). My precious friend Adeye had sent me a book that has become an absolute treasure to me. The book is called "I will carry you" by Angie Smith. Angie walked through a similar story of being told midway through her pregnancy that her precious little baby girl, Audrey Caroline, was "incompatible with life" - the worst words any parent could ever hear! She opens up completely about how her, her husband and 3 other daughters walked through this journey. God graciously gave them precious hours with Audrey before she entered glory. Angie's testimony has ministered so deeply to me. I have subsequently spent hours reading through her blog, going back to her earliest posts on how she negotiated her walk through grief. Her blog, Bring the Rain is permeated with the presence of Jesus. To any mom who has little ones in Heaven, I highly recommend her book and blog! I just LOVE her honest heart. The Lord has recently blessed them with their 5th daughter ... beautiful Charlotte (I love that name - it is my precious Granny's name).

The most recent book I just finished reading was originally written in the 1800's by a 25 year old woman called Marietta. At the age of 25 she was caught up in a vision which lasted for 9 days. Her body lay unconscious during those 9 days, and suddenly woke up with full function when the Lord sent her back with an urgency to record what she had witnessed. She herself, went home to be with the Lord a few months later in the very way and at the exact time that the Lord told her she would. She wrote the book just after her vision, and it has been handed down from generation to generation since, but the difficult language (having being written 150 years earlier) made it difficult to understand. A couple called Dennis & Nolene Prince were so impacted by this book which was given to them after having lost a 4 month baby, followed by a stillborn baby girl 17 months later. God used Marietta's story to bring such healing to their hearts as God graciously showed Marrietta amazing details about babies in Heaven who had died in the womb or after birth. She has a whole chapter dedicated on what the Lord showed her about babies in Heaven. They were so impacted by her book that they took 3 years to rewrite her original book into language that the everyday person can understand, keeping it as much as possible to the original text. It has been a healing balm to my heart and is a book that I will re-read time and time again. It has also given me such an eternal perspective of Heaven and Hell and a renewed passion and urgency for the lost to be found in God's love.

Another blog that I happened to bump into (thank you Jesus) a month or so ago is written by Kirsten Petermann called "Team Ewan". Last year she and her hubby also watched her 2 week old baby boy enter Glory, after bravely enduring a heart defect. I am so grateful that she decided to write about her journey so honestly. There is so much that she has shared that I can really relate to. Her and her hubby are getting ready to welcome Ewan's little sister into this world soon. It is so precious to see the Almighty's hand of healing and restoration over their lives as a family. They are a testimony to me of how God walks closely to the broken hearted.

http://www.team-ewan.com/

There are many more books and blogs that I would like to continue to share which I will save for another post soon. I do however want to give a shout out to a friend I met via my blog and facebook who has been an incredible encouragement to me. Debbi and her hubby live in Cape Town and also have a precious son, Nathan, in Heaven whom I'm quite sure has become a good friend of Zac. Her and her hubby have used their story to encourage many people who have walked this painful road of infant loss to offer hope and encouragement through their foundation called "Live in Hope Foundation". I am so blessed by their hearts of compassion. They are allowing their story to bring wholeness and hope to many others. Debbi, if you happen to read this, thank you for all the encouraging messages you have sent me this year.

Sending each of you much love today. My heart is so overwhelmed at how many of you have walked with me and encouraged us as a family this year. How I wish I could squeeze all of you into my house for a cup of tea and give each of you a HUGE big hug for the prayers, support and encouragement you have sent my way.

All my love as always xxx

Janine

Dealing with Grief as a Christian

2011-12-11T09:26:00.001+02:00

This week took me by surprise. It was intense and emotional in so many ways. It took me by surprise because I could not pin point why it should be such a difficult week. It just was. It's 10 weeks down the road and while I know the amazing comfort of the Lord each day leading me through ... it is none the less a journey of negotiating grief. Today I want to share openly about some of the tough aspects that I am facing as a Christian dealing with grief.

Something that pops up often lately are conversations or statements that lead me to wonder if it is wrong that I am still hurting. Someone stopped me in the shopping mall and said "So are you ok now?" with the rest of the conversation implying if we have "moved on" as a family. This is a conversation that has taken place as soon as 2 weeks from Zac's 'graduation". People are so desperate for you to "be ok". It comes from a place of their love for you to be whole, but it is awkward none the less. I do not know how to respond to a conversation like that, because honestly, no. I'm still very much hurting that I only got to love on my son for 1 day. I'm still missing him so much and having to face the rest of our family memories without him being with us. It hurts and it's hard. The premature death of a child, no matter how long you carried or knew them for is not something that you face, deal with and then move on from. The memory of that precious life is part of your heart forever. I do not ever want to move on passed my love for Zac. Although it is a very painful journey that we have walked, there are still magnificent memories that bring us great joy. Feeling sad that he left us so soon does not take away from the revelation that I have that my precious little boy is well and whole and living in fullness in Heaven, which is a great joy and comfort to me. My hurt and pain does not take away the love and trust that I have in my faithful Saviour who walked us through every moment of this hardship. It does not diminish the faith that I have in a God who is always good even when I do not understand. It simply means that I am a mommy who misses one of her children deeply and that's ok.

Some days I feel sad, because I miss my boy. That does not mean that I am depressed. I am just sad. I am simply just missing my boy. Also taking some time to pull back from what I usually used to do is part of the healing for me. It does not mean that I am never going to be as involved in things that I used to be. It's just being real with my Lord and giving Him the opportunity to restore wholeness to me before I am ready to pour out into others again. For me, it takes courage not to wear a mask or to pretend that everything is ok when I am hurting. I want to be authentic and honest in my journey. I know that my Saviour finds this pleasing - me being vulnerable with Him and allowing Him sole reign to mend the broken places. In allowing Him to work in me, I know that it is just another avenue that He can use in my life to speak hope and life to others. I want every part of my life to be a testimony to His Presence. Even the pain and the mending. I want others to see and know how close Jesus stands to the broken hearted. That nothing that we experience is in vain.

I want to speak out about the harder aspects of grieving as a Christsian, because many have been hurt as they have grieved. I think that often times people don't know what to do with people who grieve. They don't know what to say or how to respond. This is understandable because death is so foreign to us. Many times people say hurtful things without meaning it, because they just want the grieving person to be "back to normal" because to see their pain hurts. There is also a very big fear in Christian circles that if someone experiences loss, they may loose their faith. Brett and I have found this a lot. People want to know where we stand theologically in the face of our loss. It is my experience that our journey has brought us even closer to the Lord even as we ask Him the tough questions. I experience His presence not only when in worship or reading the Word, but in this season of sitting and crying as I expose the depths of my heart to Him. He meets me here and is perfecting my faith (Hebrews 12:2)

We are encouraged with the precious words in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 that we do not grieve without hope, because there is a beautiful picture of Eternal life together in Christ. The passage ends off with the words ... "Therefore, comfort one another with these words". Our precious Jesus empathizes with all that we go through. Even though there is the beautiful bigger picture, He still understands that we hurt and long for those we have loved and had to let go of. That is why He sends to us the Comforter to comfort us and walk us through to a place of healing and peace. "However, I am telling you nothing but the truth when I say it is profitable (good, expedient, advantageous) for you that I go away. Because if I do not go away, the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Advocate, Intercessor, Strengthener, Standby) will not come to you (into close fellowship with you); but if I go away, I will send Him to you (to be in close fellowship with you)". (John 16:7 in the Amplified Bible). That kind of healing takes time and a precious walk with the Comforter. He is quite ok with that. It does not have to be a whirlwind. With each of us He takes the time we need and the time we offer Him to use. In the passage from 1 Thessalonians notice that Paul never said "do not grieve". He said "Do not grieve as those who have no hope". It's when our lives are taken over with a grief that refuses to be consoled and we cease to live that we loose perspective and become consumed in sorrow. This is different from being sad and missing our loved ones.

Even though it has been a tough week, it has been made so much more bearable with the love of my Comforter bringing me perspective and love in the midst of the hurt. Feeling the love of so many people around us has also helped us through this journey and will continue to. There is beautiful hope in the journey, even though there is also sadness and pain. Acknowledging it is also acknowledging that Jesus walks us through the good and the hard times. This is what our beautiful Saviour has always promised, and He always keeps His promises.

If you are hurting today, please know that you can always write and that I would love to be praying for you too. I can testify to how prayer has carried us through each day.

Much love as always xxx

Janine

Fun with my Girls

2011-12-07T17:29:00.001+02:00

My girls are both on holiday!!! I cannot tell you how relieved I am that the exams are all over, the girls have both passed and we have weeks of sleeping-in to look forward to! I am so proud of my beautiful daughters who have faced this year with incredible faith and courage. The fact that my eldest was able to not only face her first experience of exams, but excel at them too makes me want to fall at the feet of my faithful King and just weep. She had such a hard term last term with all the uncertainties in the pregnancy, that coming back to this term she had to work extra hard to pull through. It was such a huge faith journey for me to have to trust the Lord for wisdom in preparing her for exams and filling in the gaps where she battled last term, all whilst dealing with grief at it's rawest. Well ... this little warrior princess is a champion in my books! She really worked diligently, we prayed hard and now she is seeing how the Lord brought her through. I am so proud of her.

To celebrate, we took a walk around the Christmas shop and had fun snapping pics of our favourite decorations. (Please excuse the poor quality - taken with my phone camera).

Today I am thanking the Lord for His faithfulness and goodness. I am praising Him for faithfully walking us through each day with peace and grace. I am thanking Him that there are many precious new memories to be made each day.

Sending you all a great big hug this Wednesday xoxox

Janine

I don't quite know what to title this one???

2011-12-05T17:06:00.001+02:00

Today has been a really hard day for me. I feel taken aback by the waves of grief. Lately I feel like I have somehow been coping and seeing perspective again, but then a day like today arrives and reminds me that I am completely heart broken. I just want the tears to pour to somehow wash the pain and longing away. It's not a pain based on hopelessness or depression, just the sheer sadness of loss. It's the reality of Zac never being able to be in my arms until I see him again in Heaven. It's the sadness of realising that we will never all be together this side of Heaven for Christmases, birthdays and special occasions. In fact, it's more the intense sadness of just not being able to share every day life here on earth as a family all together. It's the confusion of why this ever happens to anyone?! I don't like to linger on the "why's" because I know that even if I did know "why", it wouldn't change my reality. I am just so broken to have to live in waiting to all be together again. I miss my little boy and ache when I see my little girls hurting every time they see a baby wrapped in a blue blanket. I never for one moment thought that this would be our story. I long for the day when it will never ever have to be anybody else's story either.

It's day's like today where I have to choose to come and sit quietly and allow Him to soothe my heart and mind with Truth and Peace because so many other thoughts are trying to over-ride His sweet, still voice. Thoughts like ... was it something I did wrong? Was it something I didn't get right? Did I not pray enough? Should I have done something more ... something different? If only I had done this ... or that?! I know that these questions do not hold the answers nor the truth, but the guilt phase of grief is very harsh in its judgments.

Then there is the pressure of trying to focus on meeting my hubby and the girls needs. People often suggest that the loss must at least be a bit easier having 2 other children. While I do thank God wholeheartedly for the privilege of having them to raise, it does not lesson the pain of having lost another child equally loved, anticipated and treasured. It is also an immense journey of faith for me to seek God's guidance in keeping it together and still functioning as a wife and mother when trying to deal with an immensely broken heart. Grief has taught me that it is not just about negotiating your feelings ... it has a physical effect on your body too, like your ability to cope with noise, stress or concentrate in conversations. Many people battle in the area of sleep. It's a continual leaning on God to keep strengthening me to get through the use-to-be easy, routine stuff. The things that I loved doing which came so easily to me, take a lot more out of me right now. I am learning how to tackle boundaries. Sometimes that is painful for me, because not being able to do what I used to do reminds me of the kind of loss I am still walking through and screams out my failure. It's one of those moments when I have to remind myself to choose wisely to not give heed to those thoughts, but rather to listen to the voice of Truth. A friend had to remind me yesterday to not take on something that would usually be so natural for me to handle. She was right. Some things are just too painful and raw for me right now. That makes me sad because I want to be further than I am right now ... not fearing my responses to certain situations. I know it will all come with time.

I find that just being around nature is soothing to my soul, so I went to work in Zac's garden to try and clear my mind and I was comforted by the beauty blooming even in the midst of my pain. It always speaks fresh hope to me. Take a look at some of the roses which have bloomed in my garden ...

As I pour out my heart and allow Him to comfort me today, I am reminded once again that every day holds many moments of choice. Choices to believe the Truth of His love or choices to allow unbelief or fear to cloud my judgment. Choices to draw near to Him and allow Him into the pain to heal and soothe, or choices to pull away and brood in anger or resentment. Choices to seek out His voice, or the choice to simply retreat and pull back. I don't always get it right, but when I do lift my eyes, I see Him ever-present ... always willing to meet me at my point of need ... ready to still my heart with His love.

I love that God allows me to be real with Him. Often times as Christians we don't give ourselves permission to be honest about our pain or disappointment. We think that to have faith is to not acknowledge any hardship or weakness. This is so much more dangerous than letting it out and wrestling with God (think about the account of Jacob wrestling with God through the night. This didn't anger God, in fact God meets him right there and allows Jacob to get right up close and personal and have it out with Him.). I also love the personality of David in the Bible, and so does God because he is the one that God declares was a man after His own heart. Reading some of his conversations with God is so refreshing in the Psalms! He rants in anger, laments in sorrow, rejoices in exuberance, cries in despair ... but in it all ... he is sharing his every emotion and thought with God. He is letting God into every one of his highs and lows. It's when we keep our disappointments or anger all locked up inside that we are in the most dangerous place, because it doesn't disappear ... it grows! Eventually there comes a day or a moment when it all explodes out.

I've come to accept that I can get real with God about my highs and lows because He can totally take it ... and mostly because He is the only One who can take me through it! So though I am acknowledging my sorrow today, by lifting my eyes, I can also see that He is bringing me through. I still feel sad and I still ache and I will not pretend otherwise ... but I also have peace to know that the bigger picture is beautiful and the essence of His presence is ever-present with us as a family in helping us to find healing.

These are my thoughts this Monday.

All my love xxx

Janine

My Heart about this Blog and some Crafty Fun

2011-12-01T19:20:00.000+02:00

Over the last few months, all my posts have been about anticipating meeting my precious baby boy and then my journey of negotiating grief. As I was seeking God's wisdom with regards to the purpose of this blog, I have been met with a strong conviction to keep blogging my walk at this time. For the time being I sense His heart is for me to share openly and honestly about the experience of outliving a child, as sadly, it is something that many others have and will also go through. My prayer is that this will be a place of encouragement for anyone hurting. While I do not have all of the answers, I do believe that even in the midst of "walking through the fire", so to speak, we are called to testify and that is my greatest hearts desire. To testify to the love and person of Jesus Christ, because it is Him alone who has given us as a family the ability to endure and find "heart peace" in the storm of loss and pain because of His priceless gift of Salvation which guarantees our forever with Him.
I count myself so privileged to be written messages from so many amazing women who have also walked or are walking this path. It is such a gift to have a person share such a sacred part of their walk through life with me. I find it so healing to hear how others are walking ahead of me or alongside me. Because death is so foreign to us, most of us do not know how we are supposed to grieve or what the new "normal" is meant to look or feel like. It is also so painful to those closest to us who see our pain but cannot fix it for us. We see it written all over people's faces ... the desire to comfort but not quite knowing what to say. Some jump straight in and share everything in their hearts. Others say nothing, probably trying to spare any pain. Sometimes that's ok as you don't want everyone being weird around you and feeling like you are the constant party pooper in the room, but sometimes it also hurts. I guess the environment you are in at the time dictates what would be appropriate.
The first few weeks of having to be around lots of people was so hard for me. The feeling of being watched so closely made me want to run a mile and hide until I could wake up from what felt like a surreal nightmare. Still now when a baby is in the same room as me, I can feel sad or curious eyes on me. I find that so hard! I just want to blend in like I did before. It is that little reminder that shouts out "it's different now".
One aspect of having a child pass on before you, is having to move forward without feeling like you are able to talk about them as much as you would like to. It's not that anyone tells you not to, it's rather this unspoken thought you wrestle, not knowing how you will make those around you feel. It catches me so often! A friendly stranger or familiar face from a coffee shop I frequent will ask me how many children I have. I never know how much to say. As soon as I tell them I have 3 children, they ask how old they are and then somehow all the rest follows while I try talk past the lump in my throat. On the one hand it is so awkward to see their shock and sadness, but on the other hand, the proud mommy in me wants the world to know that I am a mommy to 3 amazing children ... 2 daughters and a son. My heart wants the world to know that I am mommy to a little boy too even if they can't meet him. This happened so much when I first got back from Cape Town and I would brave a coffee shop (woops - I think you are beginning to see how much time I spend in coffee shops ;0). The attendants who recognized me would come rushing over to find out where my baby was. Then my tears would choke me completely and just pour down my cheeks. It felt like everywhere I went I had to tell everyone. I never thought I could cry so much. I remember being in a pharmacy having my caeser cut checked because it got inflamed. The lady asked me how my baby was to which I broke down and just ran out of that pharmacy. Poor lady probably felt awful. Thank goodness my bestie was with me. She got my tablets so I could escape to the car. Now I want to speak about my boy, but wrestle with how that will make those around me feel. I don't want everyone to be sad around me, I just want to acknowledge how much I love my boy even though I only got to know him for such a short time.
These are some of the reasons why I want to blog through this journey. I'm trusting that as the Lord leads me through the highs and lows of my journey, that by being honest about where I am at, others might find encouragement and strength in their journey to know that they are not alone in this sea of negotiating so many new emotions and questions. It's so weird ... sometimes I cannot really talk about how I'm doing, but the words all pour out when I sit down to blog. So in taking this route, I sense this is an avenue that my Jesus is bringing healing to me.
For those of you who have followed my blog prior to all the heartache of this year - thank you for sticking with me through all the "grief" blogs. I promise you that this is not going to turn into a sad, depressing blog ;0) That's the joy of walking this road with God. He gives us renewed joy even in pain. And laugh we shall continue to do dear friends.
So to end on a COMPLETELY different note ... here are some pic's of the teachers pressies I made today. (Excuse my random wanderings today ... I'm jumping all over the place).

A dear friend came over this morning and told me that I needed to express some creativity and she patiently showed me how to make these sweet little lids. Don't look too closely ... this was my first attempt at learning how to sew!!! And a blanket stitch too!!! Super fancy for me ;0) hee hee. Thanks Di for making me do something fun.
Sending you all a great big hug from me today xoxo
Janine

You've got Mail: from Mommy

2011-11-30T08:39:00.001+02:00

Hello my darling boy. Your Mommy, Daddy and sisters have been missing you so much so I had to write today. I am sitting in the rocking chair that I had dreamed of nursing you from, ready to share my heart and thoughts with you today. It's more for my healing than yours I know, but somehow it brings me great comfort to share these things with you. My heart KNOWS that your heart is fully healed and that you know only pure peace and joy, but this side of Heaven, my broken heart is taking a little more time to find complete wholeness. I can tell you that Jesus is so lovingly and carefully taking His time to mend each broken piece back together. Each day my heart knows a little more healing and even if this heart of mine bears the marks of having been pieced back together, I wouldn't swop it back to how it was before for anything. It now resembles the masterful hands of my Creator having attended to me personally after having met and released a cherished gift in my life. You.

Lately He has been showing me beautiful glimpses of Eternal truths that bring me such joy and comfort. To know that I have one child spared from this broken world's sorrows is a great gift. In fact my boy ... you are teaching all of us as your family such amazing truths about Jesus and our eternal inheritance with Him. How privileged you are to be with Him in fullness. On a funny note, I had a good giggle thinking about how at least I know for sure that you will always get mommy's letters without any delays, seeing as there is no lost or delayed mail in Heaven ;0) I can just picture you being rocked in your beautiful Heavenly nursery being read a letter from your mommy today. That makes me smile.

Today is a perfect day to write to you, because today 2 months ago I got to meet you face to face. My love boy, it was such a beautiful day for us as your family. The tears run down my cheeks as I remember it. Everything about our time with you was so peaceful and filled with joy. Though I weep, I smile in my heart because no matter how short that time was, it was FULL and your Daddy and I will carry through this lifetime the sweetness and joy of those memories. We have a little boy that we are going to spend eternity getting to know!!! I like to picture the fun you are going to have with your 2 big sisters who talk about you so much. We all sit and dream together what you must be experiencing. Wow ... you are going to be the one to show us all around our Heavenly home one day. Such sweet anticipation for us while we wait my darling! A friend had a word for me at your baby shower before we ever knew how short your time would be with us, that you would be the wise one in our family. She said that although you may be the smallest, there is such wisdom that you will impart to each of us. How true this is! Already you are teaching us about the deep things of our amazing God. In fact, I remember being taken aback when I first held you in my arms because, though I could not understand it at the time, there was just something about you that told my heart that you were destined for great things in Heaven. There was such a seriousness about your sweet little face. I could see such wisdom locked away in your beautiful eyes. My boy, I feel privileged to know that my precious Saviour is using my own child to reveal Himself and some of the "hidden mysteries" to me. I am one proud momma (not that you understand pride in Heaven! hee hee. It's just one of those things a mommy carries in her heart for each of her children. What can I say - your mommy is a work in progress ;0).

We set up the Christmas tree last night. We chose blue and silver as the main colours in your honour! Aunty Niqui gave me a special decoration that takes pride of place (oops ... there's that word again!) at the top of the advent calendar. It has all our names written on it, including yours.

I can't even imagine the buzz in Heaven as you get ready to celebrate your first Christmas there!!! There must be BIG party plans in operation for Jesus' birthday ;0) While we try wrapping our heads around enjoying this Christmas Season without you in our home, I will allow myself to find things to rejoice about, because to think of you is to know that there is the hope of forever because of the most precious gift Jesus gave us. Salvation. So my sweet boy, know that your family thinks and celebrates you with grateful hearts. You are always remembered and cherished. Jesus is using your story to encourage many broken hearts. I will be forever thankful for that. I have met so many other brave mommies whose little ones may already be your friends. How gracious of Jesus to encourage me with these special people and have you surrounded by sweet little friends showing you all around the best gardens ever! I can just imagine the jungle gyms!!! Thank goodness I don't ever have to worry about you falling and hurting something ;0) Your life reminds Mommy each day to let every day count for eternity!

Please ask Jesus to kiss that little nose again for mommy xxx

All my love for always xoxox

Mommy

Ps - You must smile when you look at how well your sisters are doing. Their love for you is so pure. Can you hear them giggling hysterically from the other room? I better go check on them!

To the Guardian of our Hearts

2011-11-27T20:56:00.001+02:00

I think it is safe to say that this week was a week of facing the anger phase head on in the grief process for me. I have to giggle when I think about how elaborately decorated my hubby and girls crowns are going to be when they get to Heaven one day, with all of the mood swings they have seen me go through with the pregnancy and all the hormones since. Yikes!!! Shiny crowns indeed. :0)

It's weird how those grief stages sneak up on you. One minute I am doing ok and then the next minute I am hit with so many different emotions so randomly. I picked up a book on dealing with loss that I was given to read. A few pages into it I wanted to throw it clean across the room because all of a sudden I realised once again that I am "that" mom having to figure out how to deal with living here without my little boy and also having to learn how to help my daughters process and heal from all this loss! In that split second I got really mad!!! I don't want my daughters to be heart broken!!! I don't want to watch them cry for their brother and ask me questions that I cannot answer. (I am seriously considering hunting down one of those Greek restaurants where you are allowed to smash plates ... LOTS of plates!). And then it happens ... peace rushes in like a gentle wave while the anger recedes as the Lord comforts my heart with the truth that He is the Guardian of my daughters tender little hearts and to confirm it, He opens my eyes to the sweet moments of what I do have this side of Heaven ... the privilege of being mommy to two of the bravest little girls I know, who even in the midst of the pain can show me how to laugh and smile as I watch them grow and listen to their laughter and banter.

Tianna and Angelee, you two little treasure girls are a gift from God to me. He has used you over and over to shape my heart & character and to experience the healing touch of our Awesome God. I know that your little brother sees and smiles when the Father allows him to glimpse you playing ... even as daddy and I count ourselves privileged to raise you and watch you grow. Oh how we love you!

And Father God ... thank you for facing each of the crazy emotions (and my reactions to them) with me and for guiding me with love and such tenderness. Even in the anger You do not condemn, instead you reach out and extend grace and love. Each day You find ways of showing me that You are the Guardian of our hearts. Thank you for giving me the most wonderful husband who is a pillar of strength with a heart fixed on You. Your Presence is so evident in our everyday lives ... You dwell with us and are seeing us through. Thank you for getting me through week 8.

Love Janni xxx

Zac's Garden and some "Phrasing" Issues ;0)

2011-11-25T15:56:00.001+02:00

A few days after Zac's 'graduation' (I just simply can never get myself to type the words 'died' because my heart knows full well that my little boy is full of life, currently and forever very much alive in Heaven awaiting the day that the rest of his family will join him) we had to start planning his memorial service. It was the lowest time of my life. I could not muster any emotional resolve to plan my son's funeral. I had planned for him to LIVE, not die. I could not even think straight past the pain in my heart and the constant longing for my my little boy, to have to think what songs I wanted sung or order of service felt too overwhelming. Grief is so surreal and weird in those early days. I could not focus on anything for the first month. Conversations were so hard for me because all my senses felt over sensitive and raw. I couldn't follow long conversations without wanting to withdraw to a quiet place. Noise was overbearing to my senses. It's like your body shuts itself down to the bare basics to force you to slow down and process. Anyway - back to my point ... I said to my hubby that he could arrange whatever was on his heart to do for Zac's service as long as it didn't feel like a funeral. In fact, I did not even want the words "funeral" or "memorial service" worded in the invitation. We decided to call it his "celebration of life" service and on the day, it actually became his birthday party. (Gosh - I never knew I had so many "phrasing" issues?!). I know that this may seem strange to some as we all grieve differently, but words are very important to me. I wanted everything about that day to be about his life, not death. Every second he spent with us was such a gift and we wanted that celebrated.

One of the beautiful ideas my precious hubby had was, instead of people sending us bunches of flowers, to rather bring a living plant that we could plant in our garden as a living garden of remembrance for Zac. It has actually become such a healing balm to my heart over these last few weeks. We finally planted our beautiful roses and flowers. I find myself pottering around my garden every day, pinching off the dead leaves or pruning back the old flowers to make space for new growth. To see the new buds and branches growing brings such joy and peace to my heart. It all shouts out LIFE! Lord have mercy should any of those roses die!!! I think I might just become frantic - hee hee. So here is a peak at our garden so far.

On one of our early trips to the nursery to pick out special roses, my big girl fell in love with the sent of one of the red roses and she picked it to plant for her little brother. It just bloomed for her last week, which made us both smile.

This is one of my favorites. I picked it as it is named after Zac's second name. It's called a King David rose. How beautiful is that colour!!!

Seeing as this is a rose garden, what would a rose garden be without a rose bird bath. My precious handsomeness bought this for me last week. (You can spot Tianna's red rose behind it).

My garden wasn't complete without a beautiful tall Standard Rose. The white reminds me of the sweet innocence of my little boy. I often tease the girls by saying that at least one of my children will never be given a time out or discipline ;0) Hee hee. They think it is so unfair that he gets away with so much! Too cute. Don't you just love the heart shaped hands. I want to put bird seeds in there to feed our friendly little visitors.

This beautiful blue hydrangea arrived today as a gift from a precious friend. It made my heart sing, as I have been hunting for a bold blue flower for Zac's garden. I planted it as soon as I found a spare minute. Isn't it gorgeous!

We are also working on connecting a beautiful fountain that will sit right in front of our porch. I can't wait to show you when it is finally done! My heart is smiling just looking at all these beautiful pictures. I hope they make you smile too and inspire you to start digging around in your garden. Happy weekend sweet friends.

All my love xoxox

Janine

Thankful Thursday and it's Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T11:34:00.001+02:00

I would so love to be in the U.S. today experiencing this special holiday. My mom is there (I miss you my precious Mommy Darling and love you so dearly). I always love hearing her reports back to me about the specialness of this day spent with loved ones (not to mention how much I am craving a piece of Pumkin Pie - tried it once and LOVED it - especially the memory of eating that slice with my mom and sis at a precious family get together). I love how it is a day to simply stop and give God the time to say "thank you". I reckon we should be doing this every day, yet somehow we so easily get swallowed up in the stresses of life that we don't always notice just how close He stands to each of us, reaching out and expressing His love to us. So today, even though I am not in the US, I am celebrating this day with a thankful heart for all that God has always been to me - the One who loves completely and faithfully journeys with me dad by day.
Janine

I'm "that" woman ... Moody Musings on a Rainy Day

2011-11-21T17:39:00.001+02:00

After a Saturday jam packed with so many "grief milestones" I have to say that I started the week on an emotional low. I had just negotiated my first baby shower after Zac's "graduation", a kiddies birthday party with mommy's who last saw me preggy and meeting the sweetest little baby boy, but watching my daughters pain written all over her face when holding him and having her cry later because neither her or her sister could understand why they cannot have their baby brother anymore. So many big questions to which I could not give all the answers to. It was just so much for my broken mommy's heart.
Everything about my weekend highlighted one fact loud and clear to me ... I'm "that" woman ... the one that I never ever thought I ever would be. The one that I always had such compassion for but could never really be able to say 'I know how you feel', because up until 7 weeks ago, I never would have ever understood how hard her walk would be. You know the person ... the one where it feels like everyone feels they have to walk very carefully around, because really, what can anyone say to these kinds of hardships. I totally felt like I had become "that" person that everyone looks at with sad eyes. Oh my gosh - I was having a good old pity party for myself, so mad that this has become "my reality" until the Lord gently started to show me the other side of my new role as 'grieving mom'.
He began to show me that, yes, I am "that" woman ... I am the one who has the privilege of having Jesus walk me personally through every minute of the day ... the one who knows that her faithful God has collected each tear that she has cried and will allow her to see the reward of an eternity spent with all her family together, with no more tears or sorrows. Yes, I am "that" woman ... the one who Jesus has blessed with the most precious family and friends who have been an amazing support. "That" woman that has made such precious connections with women from all walks of life who have written to me never having met me, to encourage and share similar journeys which strengthen my heart to know that I too will come through even as they have and are. As the week has progressed I am starting to see that I am blessed to be "that" woman ... because no matter what I will face in my life from here on in, I will never again have a fear of death because my Jesus has taught me through my precious little boy that death is not the end ... it is the entrance to life in it's fullest and most beautiful.
As I pondered these things I received a message from a new friend ... precious Val ... a lady who has many more years of experience than me, yet we have both encountered similar loss, though 40 years apart, but it has united our hearts ... and in her message I saw the privilege of being "that" woman who is given the gift of walking her child into the waiting, open arms of Love Himself who walks all who will give their hearts to Him, into the beautiful gates of Eternity. I got to do that with Zac, though so very early for my mother's-heart dreams, but I got to hold him as He entered the arms of the King of Glory. These things have a way of changing our lives forever and although the pain is unbearable at times, there are gifts in it too. The gift of seeing the love and compassion of our Saviour who understands our pain and understands that we do not see in full, which is why we ache so deeply, but who is patient enough to walk us through each day and grow in us a revelation of the bigger, beautiful picture.
So tonight I am going to sleep with a heart that has encountered deep loss, but even greater ... encountered profound "heart peace" and it is this heart peace that allows me to sleep soundly and even with a hint of a smile because I know that I am "that" woman who is always on the heart of God. Oh how I love you Jesus.
Love Janine xxx

His Message through Nature

2011-11-16T20:34:00.001+02:00

Hubby is out for a movie night with his brother and the girls are tucked into bed after a busy day of studying for exams. I don't know who is swatting harder - my eldest or me ;-) I feel like I am getting my grade 4 education all over again! Not a bad thing I suppose, because I am finally learning those times tables of by heart! hee hee

As I write tonight the rain is falling. What a soothing and relaxing sound. There is nothing like being indoors with an opportunity to simply lie in bed and listen to the rain pouring. It is a cleansing sound. It makes my heart smile because we finally planted our rose garden for Zac last week and all this rain is exactly what my roses need. (I have to take a photo of our budding garden and post it soon.) I am so enjoying learning something new ... gardening. My precious Mommy Darling was here visiting me for Zac's celebration service when the roses started arriving. I have such beautiful memories of walking around the nursery, each picking out our favorites that we deemed worthy to be planted in this special garden of life. Before she flew back to the U.S. she taught me how to tend to them and I have to say how therapeutic I find walking around my garden and cutting off the dead bits to give new life to the plants. There is something so beautiful about seeing flowers bloom after having being carefully clipped back. Haven't we all read so many lessons on the growth that comes from pruning. I always cringe, because I know how painful pruning is ... so no ... you are not going to have to read a post on pruning today ;0)

2 weeks ago the girls and I sat for ages snipping off all the dead daisy flowers that had bloomed in Spring. When I looked at the bushes today, I noticed that they are budding all over again. The same for the rose bushes that were in full bloom when we bought and received them, but after snipping off the flowers that had bloomed they looked so empty for the last few weeks. Today as I sprayed them with some rose feed, I noticed all the new buds and I was overjoyed!!! The lady at the nursery told me today that they bloom in 6 week cycles. She had NO IDEA how significant that would be to me. As I mentioned yesterday, I am at the 6 week mark since Zac's graduation, and to see the promise of these new buds spoke so prophetically to my heart. Beauty WILL bloom, because the Creator of Heaven and earth is watching over our little family and lovingly tending to us to cause life, beauty and joy to bloom in each of us, no matter how hard some days may seem to be.

This week the Lord has spoken so much to me through nature around me. I encourage you to keep your eyes and ears open to His beautiful messages of hope and endearment that He wants to share with you. I would love to hear how He has spoken into your heart and met you where you are at. May this be a comfortable place for you to share your stories too.

Sending you all so much love xxx

Janine

A Little "6 week" Honesty

2011-11-15T16:11:00.001+02:00

6 weeks and 3 days. It's funny how the days matter for some reason. I don't know why - they just do. A friend of mine told me yesterday that she had been told the 6th week is known to be a tough week in grieving for some reason. I have to agree. For me the permanence of life this side of Heaven without Zac has really hit home. The ache that it leaves in its wake has the tears easily flowing.

I had plans to clean out the play room for the girls today, but after packing up the nursery and giving away bags of clothes and blankets that I had dreamed of seeing my sweet boy in, I just could not face it. Tears poured as I had to come to a place of acceptance that I would never have photo's of Zac wrapped in some of the favorite outfits that had been so lovingly handpicked for him. The loss is profound.

Somehow, everything is a reminder of my loss right now. Going to my precious Leelee's school concert had me in tears knowing that I would never go to one of Zac's school concerts. After kissing the girls goodnight last night I heard them praying to Jesus - messages and kisses for Him to pass on to their baby brother. Oh my goodness, my mothers heart broke all over again, not only for the son I long to be raising, but for having to see and parent my girls through grieving the loss of the brother they prayed for so many years to have. What could ever prepare a mother to guide her remaining children through this?

I have decided to be really honest about my journey on my blog, because I believe that there are many people who may just bump into these posts, who like me are shocked and broken to find themselves walking down a similar path. God has graciously led me to a few blogs of precious daughters of the King who have also walked this road and it has helped me so much to find perspective in the pain. I want the Lord to use every bit of my life and my story, by being honest enough to share how He is meeting me even in the midst of the worst kind of pain I could fathom.

My hardest question right now is being asked "how are you?". Honestly ... I don't know how to reply. How much does the person really want to know? Do they really want to hear how hard it is, because the only honest answer comes with a whole lot of pain, and for me it's hard to have to rehash that pain over and over again. It's just a continual reminder of my new reality.

With all this pouring through my mind I decided to go for a walk on the beach this morning to ponder and talk to the Lord about this unanticipated path that has become part of my story ... that of being a grieving mother. I have to say that I am still so shocked to find myself in this role. I never would have thought that this would be part of my story. The strangely comforting part is knowing that God knew and has sent Jesus to walk me through each day. As I walked and talked with Jesus on the beach I stumbled upon a heart shaped rock. I smiled, as just the week before I asked the Lord to help me spot a heart shaped stone to cheer my heart.

I carried it as I walked on, pondering how much more significant it would be to find a stone shaped in half of a heart. Not only did Zac have half a heart ... but since his 'graduation' I have to say that my heart feels just as broken. I shared my heart with Jesus, coming to a place of expressing my desire for Him to use Zac's story and create in us as his family, a testimony that will bring many broken hearted people to a place of heart healing in Him. Zac may have had half a heart, but his story is one of an Almighty God who brings wholeness to even the most broken of hearts. Just this morning my tears poured as I read a message from someone who had shared Zac's story while preaching to 6,000 people over seas. I wept with the privilege of realizing that Zac is still fulfilling his evangelical calling from Heaven every time his story is told. As I turned and walked back, the sunlight caught on a stone just washed in by the waves ... it was half a heart shaped stone! As I picked it up I saw the shape of a heart in the broken heart. I brought it home and painted it red.

As I held this stone in my hands, it was like holding the promise of God that even in the midst of my broken heart, He sees and knows and has poured out His love and His heart to make mine beat in the midst of pain even as He supernaturally kept Zac's heart beating through my pregnancy and for almost 22 hours on earth so that His Story could be told through Zac's story. God's love stands in the midst of my brokenness and brings peace and strength.

I was asked on Saturday if I have healed. I looked at the person in absolute shock as my mind reeled - can you seriously ever completely heal from a broken heart from loosing one of your children this side of Heaven? While I cannot say that my heart is completely healed, I do know that Jesus has poured His love into my brokenness to sustain me. His love goes beyond understanding and somehow consoles what nothing else can. Somehow, His love is bigger than the fiercest agony of loss and yearning ... it supersedes the pain to allow me to know that I am not alone in this journey. He is walking it moment by moment with me and for that I am eternally thankful.

That dear friends is where I am at 6 weeks into this crazy journey through grief. It's a journey of choosing to lean into Him moment by moment. What I can say with certainty is that even when I cannot believe that it is humanly possible to live through this kind of pain ... HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT and His love carries me.

All my love,

Janine

5 Weeks Today

2011-11-04T18:26:00.000+02:00

My Precious Zac,

5 weeks ago today you defied the odds and came into our world crying the sweetest cry that your mommy and daddy could ever hope to hear. The doctor's never thought that you would cry, but you showed them all my boy. Words like "univentricular heart with a severe hypoplastic left ventricle syndrome" followed by "major heart defect" ... "incompatible with life or corrective surgery" faded away as we finally got to meet you face to face. You were never anything but God's perfect gift to us my precious love boy.

As long as I live I will never forget the wonder of your birth. I will never forget drinking in the sight of you for the first time as I prayed, kissed, cuddled and sang to you while you gently cried in my arms. I would do anything to hold you in my arms right now.

Nothing could have given me more joy than seeing the bright glow of pure love that beamed from your daddy every moment that he was with you. The two of you shared the most incredible bond that still takes my breath away.

Your two big sisters miss you so very much. It makes mommy cry to see their pain at being separated from you this side of Heaven. I understand just how they feel and feel exactly the same way, but we all just keep reminding each other that one of these days we will all be back together as a family, lavishing all our love on you. I know you know this ... but you truly do have the bravest and most beautiful big sisters who absolutely adore you.

We hold onto the gift of every one of those 21 precious, joy, peace and intensely love-filled hours that we shared with you. You were so strong to give us all the time that you did. The doctors said that you were "incompatible with life", but my brave lion heart ... you were the very carrier of the life of God to all who have read your story or spent time with you. Your time with us, in and out of my womb, exuded the life and "heart peace" that came from the presence of God within you. Mommy and Daddy often say to each other that we would endure all the pain all over again just to have experienced the gift of your life. We love you our son. We know that Jesus is taking the best care of you. Please ask him to give you a special kiss on the nose from your mommy.

Love from mommy xoxox

The Door of Hope

2011-10-28T17:04:00.000+02:00

We are learning so much as a family right now. In the midst of our pain, the Lord is continually reaching out to us through so many loving people. It is a month today since Zac was born and tomorrow a month since he beat us to Heaven :0) During this last month the Lord has showed us what "love in action" looks like as people have ministered to us through meals, message, flowers, phone calls, prayers and visits. I have been so deeply touched by so many people who have walked the road of losing a child who have contacted us to encourage us. It once again shows me how God never ever wastes any of our pain. These precious people have come along side us and shared their stories with us. It has touched my heart so deeply that most of the people who have written to me have never met me, yet they are willing to share such a vulnerable part of their hearts with us in telling us their stories. What an encouragement to see how God is faithful to heal the broken hearted. I understand more fully now how we overcome the enemy by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. Testimony has the ability to break down walls and crush the enemy. It declares how BIG God really is even in the midst of pain or suffering.

When we were in Cape Town, very dear friends of ours who also said goodbye to their precious little boy at his birth this year reached out to us and gave us hope. They even came to cry and pray with us the night Zac passed away. We were so humbled by their willingness to be there with us, so soon after having been in our position. In the midst of their pain they demonstrated the hope and peace God gives to those who turn to Him.

Again yesterday, another couple who walked this path 5 years ago flew in to see us for one afternoon just to encourage us and share their story of how God brought them through. They flew all the way to share a verse that has so deeply encouraged us and I want to encourage you with this message of hope today.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her (Israel) and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart. There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor (troubling) to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth and as at the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt."

Hosea 2:14-15

There is just so much that speaks to my heart in these two simple verses. The first thing that stands out to me is how God allures us at times, into the wilderness, to speak tenderly to our hearts. It is even in the place of the wilderness that he gives us our vineyards - a place of life and growth! Isn't it amazing how God works so differently to how we see life. The wilderness represents loneliness, heat, even barrenness to us, but to God it is the place where only He can produce a place of fruitfulness and life. He also speaks tenderly to our hearts in these desolate place.

This verse also tells us that God is able to make the places of our trouble to be a door of hope and expectation for us. I see that through the many messages of encouragement that come through to me from those who have lost loved ones. They know the pain but also can testify to the life and hope that God brings even through our pain.
Whatever it is that you are facing today - God is able to meet you in your wilderness and speak tenderly to your heart ... words of hope and life. May you hear His gentle whispers and find strength and perspective in His love.
All my love,
Janine

Settling back into "normal"

2011-10-26T17:44:00.001+02:00

My hubby and I often look at each other and ask ourselves if everything we have just gone through really happened. There are moments where it all just feels so surreal because you never in a billion years thought you would ever go through something like what you are going through. Grief is weird like that. You just don't know how you are going to feel or what emotions you are going to face until you are having to face it all head on. There are moments where you feel perfectly fine and then within seconds your heart feels like it will take an eternity to feel whole again. There are also milestones that you have to face along the way - some that you are aware of and others that you only know are a milestone once you have faced certain moments. One of those milestones for me is settling back into a "normal" routine. Everything inside me screams out that life is not meant to ever be the same again and yet everything around me continues on as it always has. This is one of the things I am tackling this week. All my family has gone home and now the routines with the girls doing homework and sports etc is what it always used to be. Part of me finds comfort in the old routine and another part of me rages that I want everything to be different. I want to be immersed in having a newborn in our home taking up most of my time. I guess it's just part of the journey as I negotiate everyday life without my sweet baby boy.
I realise that everyday I have a choice. I can either be swallowed up in grief or I can choose to see how closely Jesus is standing with us in the midst of our pain. Knowing that He is close doesn't take the pain of loss away, but it allows me to grieve with hope. Hope that I will one day hold my son in my arms again. Hope that as a family we will continue to grow from strength to strength in our journey of life and love. Hope that we will all come through whole with God's healing hand over our hearts. Oh my goodness ... life truly is full of millions of emotions. I am so thankful that He is a God who understands and walks through each of these emotions with me and is somehow placing my heart back together one piece at a time.

Janine xoxox

Zac's "Birthday Party"

2011-10-20T08:17:00.000+02:00

Blogging on my side has been quiet as we have come home from Cape Town to a house full of family and friends who have been here for us to cry with, share with and just love us as we take in all that we have just walked through as a family.
On Sunday we got to throw a "birthday party" celebrating Zac's one day here on earth. I cannot explain the myriad of emotions that I have been through in advance to his thanksgiving service. No parent ever expects that they will ever have to plan a memorial service for any of their children. What I have experienced though through this whole journey is that God's peace and grace goes so way beyond our understanding to be able to carry and sustain us through the hardest of emotions that we will ever face. As Sunday dawned, His peace settled deeply within my heart and the Lord gave me His precious gift of grace to fully take in His presence with us in that hall filled with precious, loving people who were there to celebrate the gift of Zac's life. To bear witness to this little boy's testimony in impacting so many hearts for Jesus still astounds us as a family. God is actively using his story to heal broken hearts. The more we hear, the more Brett and I realise in our hearts that though our little boy is not present here on earth with us, he is very much alive and fulfilling his destiny in God in pointing people to the heart of Jesus.

The service was so filled with the peace and presence of Jesus. Brett and I just wanted to throw a big bash for our precious love boy and allow it to be a time of "thanksgiving". That is something that Zac taught us as a family ... to be thankful for the gifts that Jesus gives us. It's not always about the time frames that we are given with each other that will touch and change our hearts forever. Zac was only given 1 day in our arms, but everything about his journey and life with us has impacted our hearts for eternity. So we wanted to give God thanks that He chose us to be Zac's family. We filled the entrance hall with 100 of the brightest balloons we could find.

We worshiped together, shared the most beautiful video & photos that a friend of ours put together of our sweet boy and then shared our hearts as a family of the impact Zac has had in our lives and what his testimony is to a very broken and hurting world.

We were so touched by the support of so many who came to be with us. My mommy's heart was so comforted to see how Jesus surrounded my girls with their cuzzies and friends who wrapped their arms around each of my girls during this service and just loved them through it. I think they are the bravest big sisters I have ever known! This pic shows the love as my big girl is surrounded by her protective cuzzie and friends.

We all went outside with a balloon in one hand and Lindt chocolate in the other (only the best for our boy!) to release a hundred colourful balloons in his honour while we ate our chocolates to celebrate the sweet gift that Zac David Robinson will always be to us ... our sweet little love boy who has forever shaped our hearts. To watch those balloons all group together and float towards the sun touched my heart so much. So like Zac ... always pointing us towards the Son of Righteousness.

Standing outside surrounded by my precious family and friends, feeling the sunshine kiss my body as we looked at those balloons floating so high until they disappeared I was able to smile knowing that my precious Jesus gave Zac a good gaze into all the love being sent his way. I can just picture the angels being sent to collect everyone of those balloons to show Zac :0) Only Jesus knows how to bring comfort and hope into the hardest moments of our lives. He is doing that in our lives ... showing us that we can grieve with hope and peace because we know that our precious boy lives in perfect heart peace and knows how loved he is.
Throughout this whole experience Jesus has wrapped arms around Brett, the girls and I. We have been saturated in His love through His precious body - the church. Constantly the love pours in from those we know, and even more that we have never had the privilege of meeting. Thank you so much to all of you who have comforted and encouraged us along on our.

After the service the entire family went off to a lunch venue where a precious lady had organized a "party" for Zac's little sisters and cousins in his honour. Oh my goodness ... it so touched Brett and my heart. She went out of her way to decorate everything with blue balloons and have party packs for each of the kids. This is how Jesus loves us!

It was the perfect finish to a perfect service honouring our boy. Again the Lord went all out in bringing all of Brett and my family together to be with us - from my mom in the US, to my sister and all her family from Johannesburg to all of Brett's family from out of town too as well as some of our dearest friends who flew in from different places in the country to be with us. What a joy to be surrounded by family who have learned to laugh and cry with us. (The picture below is just 1 of 4 tables full of family and friends who stood around us at this time).

(My mom and sis. Don't you just love all the bright colours we had everyone wear!

Colours to make Zac smile. I especially have fallen in love with blue ... forever now a "boy mommy" too.)

As I finally come to the end of this post, Brett, the girls and I want to thank you all once again for every prayer that has been prayed along our journey ... for every message written to encourage and strengthen us ... for every meal and plant dropped off ... for being willing to bravely walk alongside of us and be the arms of Jesus hugging us as we heal. We are forever grateful for all your love and support. You all represent the heart and compassion of Jesus so well. Thank you precious family and friends.

All our love to each of you xoxox

Brett & Janine

Zac's Thanksgiving Service

2011-10-10T11:41:00.002+02:00

We areextending an open invitation to a "Thanksgiving Service" for the giftof baby Zac, to all friends, family & those who have extended their love& support to us along our journey.

Time &date: 11:30 am, Sunday 16th October

Venue:Harvest Church

Address:Albert road, Walmer, PE

Dress:Colours that celebrate life

The Hours that Changed our Hearts Forever

2011-10-09T11:19:00.000+02:00

I am writing to you today, finally being home. What a surreal few weeks we have just lived through. It feels to us like time stood still as everything in our hearts and lives would be changed forever.
Brett and I are finally ready to begin sharing some of the deep things that have forever changed our hearts and shown us Jesus more clearly than we have ever seen Him. Let me start by showing you the precious son who Jesus hand picked to give to us to shape our hearts forever with Love ... our precious Zac David.

These are our most treasured memories as a family. A little boy who was only given to us to hold in our arms for 21 and a half hours taught us and filled our hearts more than a lifetime may have brought, on how to love more deeply than we have ever known. This little man pointed us to Jesus and showed us how to believe. The gifts our son gave us are eternal gifts that hold more value than any earthly treasure ever could. He showed us what true "heart peace" is, even in the midst of the deepest storm and pain of loss. While we prayed for a heart miracle for him ... it was he who gave to all who came to know his life and story, the gift of a heart miracle. He showed people what true heart peace really is ... seeing Jesus as the loving God that He is - a God who stands closest to the broken hearted. While we never got the full miracle of his heart being healed this side of Heaven, God gave to us and him so many miracles along the way. Eternal gifts of everlasting life. For a little boy who only had half a heart - only the right side of his heart ... in our eyes, he had the biggest heart we have ever known. As a family we called him our "lion heart. Jesus somehow gave physical peace and no pain to him in the hours that Zac graciously gave us as his family. We got to hold him and hear his precious baby cries. He even suckled at his mommy's breasts. He was rocked to sleep in his daddy's arms (who adores him more than words could ever say) ... hearing songs of love, worship, prayers and blessings.

He was sung countless songs by his two big sisters who in my eyes are the 2 proudest and bravest big sisters, handpicked from God. I'm so blessed by the love they lavished on their little brother throughout my pregnancy and all the hours they had with him. They each held him and kissed him countless times.

I will forever be thankful for the kisses I got to lavish on my little boy. He just is the sweetest little love boy I ever held.

Oh my goodness ... we were given so many amazing memories and moments with our love boy and ultimately the gift of seeing him entering Glory while being in the arms of his mommy as his daddy prayed blessings and lavished all our love over him. These are moments that define and change your life forever. Encountering the presence of God in your highest and lowest moments and being carried by the same arms that received our son into glory. These are just some of the moments that have shaped us as a family together.

So many have reached out to us along this road that we have and are busy walking. To each of you we thank you for believing with us for the gift Jesus gave us in Zac. We thank you for the love, encouragement, prayers and gifts of love you have sent us. People ask us all the time how our faith is. We want you to know that we believe more fully now than we ever had. Zac's life showed us the heart of Jesus. We know that God has used this little boys life to bring healing to so many and the value is of Eternal value.

In the midst of our greatest pain, God has given us the greatest love. May you today feel those Everlasting arms and see His eyes of love and continue to discover "heart peace" even as we continue to.

All our love and gratitude,

Janine & Brett

So much Love even When it's hard to Breath

2011-10-02T18:06:00.000+02:00

On the Friday the 30th September at 16:47, our precious son entered this world with the most precious cries heralding his grand arrival. Hearing his voice made our hearts leap with joy unspeakable. He weighed in at 2.32 kgs, 46cm long and his head 31cm. We got to hold him immediately after being weighed ... moments we will treasure in our hearts for all eternity.Precious friends, the last 3 days have been filled with so many life changing emotions since then. As we process as a family, I will try to express as I am able just some of what we have lived through this weekend. We are still very much feeling like we are in the middle of something so much greater than just ourselves. It will take time to settle. I have the most beautiful photos to share with everyone of the amazing 21 hours we shared with our precious Zac David Robinson. This son of ours will forever have shaped and changed our hearts. When I am released from hospital and have my pc and the emotional strength, I will share bits of our journey. Today's post is simply to say that Brett and I have been deeply impacted by the love that lies with great strength within the body of Christ. You have all been a part of this miracle story. Jesus has already spoken so powerfully through Zac. I rest in Him knowing that it is faith only that pleases God. That doesn't mean that we will always understand all the details. It's enough to know that Love Himself leads us through all we will ever have to face. We will not move our eyes off of His! He has become our everything. He has already given us the most sweetest moments with our son. Praising Jesus from a broken heart today, but knowing that He stands so close and is at work even here and now. Janine and Brett

The Day of Promise has Arrived

2011-09-30T12:40:00.000+02:00

Precious friends ... The big day has finally arrived! Come 4pm today we will be taken into theater to meet our precious miracle son! Our hearts are filled with the Promises of our Beloved Jesus. This post is our hearts response of praise and adoration to Him because He has faithfully carried us through each day with "heart peace", strength, hope, faith and incredible love. He has coached us in how to stand leaning into His Almighty power, wisdom and goodness and has taken all the fear out of this journey. Today our hearts are soooooo excited. It is the day of promise ... Zac's appointed day to shine forth His Glory. As a family we want to thank each and every person and family who has lavished their love, encouragement and prayers to stand with us in looking to Jesus, the Great Physician in knitting Zac's inward parts intricately and wholly in my womb. We will keep you posted as we rejoice in great expectation at witnessing God's amazing love in action! Our eyes are fixed on Him!All our love,Brett, Janine, Tianna and Angelee

Looking to the Rock who is Higher than I

2011-09-27T11:54:00.000+02:00

As always, I need to start my post with a word of thanks for all the amazing words of encouragement and prayers that have been sent to us. I am not always able to reply to each of you personally, but please know that Brett and I pray God's blessings on each of you and praise Him with all our hearts for the amazing body of Christ who has rallied around us from all parts of the world! We are so humbled and blessed!!!

Every step of the way God has showed us clearly as a family how He has gone before us. Before every appointment we have faced over the last 8 weeks, He has always given us His promises to anchor us before we hear anything negative of fearful. Even in our trip to Cape Town He has provided for us in so many amazing ways. For the first part of our stay before we have our precious baby boy, here is the view from our bedroom and lounge ...

Such beautiful waterways and the back of Table Mountain. Though you cannot see it in this picture, when I look out to the right we see the sea too. It is so peaceful. I feel so cocooned in the shelter of His wings even though the storm has raged around us. The closer we get to Zac's caesar date (next week Wednesday), we have noticed the enemy try to thunder about us like a roaring lion. God in His amazing love and grace has shown us that while he may roar really loudly, the fact remains that he is a defeated foe! Jesus Himself took care of that personally through the finished work of the cross. As we look to Him ... our peace and certainty remains anchored.

In the week before we left for Cape Town I sensed the Lord ask me if we were willing to "walk on the water" - so to speak - with Him. Thank goodness we have the Word to look to in cases like this, because I have learned from Peter that as long as I keep my eyes fixed on His eyes, miracles are happening all around me. It is only if I turn to look at the size of the waves that my heart may feel overwhelmed. Isn't He amazing that He can give us peace in the midst of any wild storm?! Only He can!

These last 4 days for me have been a real test of whether I would stare into His eyes or look to the size of the waves. We met our new gynecologist, who is a very compassionate man, but also has to do his job professionally. As it was our first meeting, it was his first opportunity to scan Zac's heart for himself. After the scan he sat us down and spoke very frankly of Zac's chances. In short ... he felt that he had to prepare us for the fact that he cannot see how they can possible fix what he sees on that scan. He talked us through the delivery and what we could expect. He was trying to prepare us to say goodbye to our son. Oh Jesus ... it was the hardest appointment for me! Only He could hold Brett and my heart together. It was painful to hear that medical science does not feel equipped to fix what they see. HOWEVER, God had already gone before us once again with promises from the previous day and the revealed miracle of a recreated aortic arch and this reminded us that He IS at work!!!

We did our book in yesterday at the Christian Barnard Memorial Hospital. I found it tough. I just wanted to run a mile!!! Everything within me wanted to run back to the "safe place" back home of familiarity. This walk is a radical walk of faith. I got into the car and cried. As I cried, I felt His immense comfort to say it is all right. You are allowed to cry and be in faith at the same time ;0) How brave we sometimes try to be ... but it is not bravery He is looking for ... it is the leaning of all that we are into all that He is. He is looking for us to completely allow HIM to carry us in every way! This settled my heart once again. He is a God of certainty. Just before we left for the hospital He led me to read Hebrews 6:15-20. Verses 15 & 18 say

"And so it was that he (Abraham) having waited long and endured patiently, realized and obtained (in the birth of Isaac as a pledge of what was to come) what God had promised him.

This was so that, by two unchangeable things (His promise and His oath) in which it is impossible for God ever to prove false or deceive us, we who have fled (to Him) for refuge might have mighty indwelling strength and strong encouragement to grasp and hold fast the hope appointed for us and set before us."

Even as I type this my spirit is strengthened as I see how specific God is when He guides us through storms. When we first heard the actual "heart diagnosis" by the specialist 6 weeks ago and I asked God how we were to stand, I asked Him if He was asking me to lay Zac down. Clearly the Spirit of the Lord told me in the following days that He has not called us to lay Zac down, but that He is asking us to have the same faith that He asked of Abraham. To believe in Him and His goodness. Abraham knew that however God chose to do it ... He WOULD PROVIDE and that he was going to go back down that mountain with his son! He even told that to his servants who waited for them, before he and Isaac went up that mountain.

When God gives us His specific word on a matter, we have to see it as a certainty. That is what God is teaching Brett and I in our journey. He has been so specific with the promises He has given to us throughout our personal journey. Even though we have not yet seen the complete heart miracle, God has promised it to us. Hebrews 11:23 is a great encouragement to us as we stand believing ...

"So let us seize and hold fast and retain without wavering the hope we cherish and confess and our acknowledgment of it, for He who promised is reliable (sure) and faithful to His word."

As I woke up this morning, and looked out my window at Table Mountain He once again guided me to read the following verse:

"From the end of the earth will I cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed & fainting;

lead me to the Rock that is higher than I (yes, a Rock that is too high for me).

For You have been a shelter & a refuge for me, a strong tower against the adversary.

I will dwell in Your tabernacle forever;

let me find refuge & trust in the shelter of Your wings.

Selah (pause, & calmly think of that)!

Psalm 61:2-4 (Amplified Bible)

My precious Jesus ... You alone are the Rock that is higher than I and it is with You that nothing is impossible. You are my certainty and my sure foundation. You alone are the One who daily gives to us "heart peace". I will worship You.

All my love,

Janine xoxox

We are Seeing the Miracles Unfold!

2011-09-23T09:31:00.000+02:00

Precious friends and family ... we are starting to see the miracles unfold! We just KNOW that we are living in the miracle :0) Yesterday we had a scan with the specialist who discovered and diagnosed all of Zac's heart defects in August. It's been about 6 weeks since the day we heard the horrible news. As you may remember, the defects she discovered that day in "that" heart were so complex ... not only one defect, but multiple! There was the issue of only 1 chamber; only seeing one major valve from the heart to the lungs where there must be 2 and then the complication of not being able to clearly see the arch of the aorta. What she saw of it, as well as several other specialists, it looked too narrow and underdeveloped from what we could understand. When we came back from that first scan and spoke with our friend and paediatrician ... this was one of his biggest concerns. The aortic arch is so important in the functioning of the heart!

So before we went for the scan, I started reading over my promises in the Word of God concerning Zac's covenant promises. This has been our lifeline and anchor ... God's report versus mans report alone. I needed to prepare my heart for what we would hear. I was working through what my expectations should be as we are waiting on the Lord for the miracle to be evidenced. Do I go in there expecting to see it all unfolded, or do I still have to wait till the day of his birth? All along I have had this sense that it will be fully evidenced on the day of his birth ... but is it scriptural for God to hide or conceal it until the time He decides? These are just some of the things we have been seeking His leading on. So I open my Bible and start reading Isaiah 49 and here I find these promises from the Lord:

"v 1. Listen to me, o isles and coast-lands, and hearken, you peoples from afar.

The Lord has called me from the womb; from the body of my mother He has named my name.

v 2. And He has made my mouth like a sharp sword;

in the shadow of His hand has He hid me and made me a polished arrow;

in the His quiver has He kept me close and concealed me.

v 3. And the Lord said to me, You are my servant ... in whom I will be glorified.

v 8. Thus says the Lord, In an acceptable and favourable time I have heard and answered you,

and in a day of salvation I have helped you;

and I will preserve you and give you for a covenant to the people ...

v 16. Behold, I have indelibly imprinted (tattooed a picture of you) on the palm of each of My hands;

your walls are ever before me.

v 23... and you shall know (with an acquaintance and understanding based on and grounded in personal experience) that I am the Lord; for they shall not be put to shame who wait for, look for, and expect Me."

This completely settled our hearts to know that no matter what we would or would not see on the scan, we have seen with the eye of faith Zac's miracle because we have God's Word on the matter! Our son is hidden in His hand, being formed and polished for His purposes and on the appointed day they will all see the Mighty Salvation of the Lord in his precious heart being whole! We just KNOW that God has already established His covenant with Zac.

So into the room we walked with peace in our hearts. The specialist was blown away that I have made it to almost the end of my 36th week and still no signs of distress or premature labour! People ... this is a MIGHTY MIRACLE! Our doctors had told us that we could expect him to come anywhere from my 32nd week and that I would probably never make it past 33 or 35 weeks (when both my girls came). Well, Mr. Zac is super cozy in the hands of Jesus cocooning my womb. We then started the scan. Yip ... she still sees the 1 chamber ... yip ... she still sees only 1 valve instead of 2 ... but hang on ... whats that ... A PERFECTLY FORMED AND FUNCTIONING AORTIC ARCH!!!!! This is such a huge miracle! Those defects are simply disappearing and will have to continue to do so until the day of his birth! hee hee!!! How lovely is our Mighty Jesus!!!! Oh my goodness ... He is always mighty to save to the UTTERMOST!

The specialist still is emphatic to have us understand that this is a highly complex defect case, in fact they cannot even label it with a diagnosis as it is beyond their known labels, but we KNOW that Jesus doesn't need a diagnosis to be able to heal ;0) Our precious Zac's heart is being made whole in His Almighty Hands. Thankfully these are Hands we know and trust with all our hearts!

So friends ... celebrate with us just another miracle along the way! God delights in each of the prayers and love you have poured out upon our lives and oh how we love and appreciate each of you too! We are praying His Almighty blessings over your lives today.

Lots of love from a super excited Robinson family!

YAY JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bathed in Love

2011-09-21T20:42:00.000+02:00

Today was the big drive to Cape Town. As I woke up and switched my phone on, my phone started beeping with message after message. This continued throughout the whole drive and even now as I get ready to go to bed ... an absolute outpouring of love and encouragement. Brett and I have never experienced so much love and support from the body of Christ like we are right now in our lives! People around the world, many we know and even more that we have never had the privilege of meeting are carrying us in prayer and standing with us in faith as we await in faith the miracle of Zac's birth. To all of you who have written to us, phoned us, messaged us and walked alongside of us ... thank you! Through your love we see Jesus so clearly. He has raised up a mighty army to walk with us and celebrate with us as we get ready to receive our miracle boy.

We have seen God go before us every step of this faith walk. Today was just another example of that. Where fear would have loved to have crept in, God ushered His perfect love in to keep us encouraged every minute of this day as we drove to Cape Town. (Adeye ... thank you for being an instrument in His hands to rally the troops to pray us through today. We were so touched by your blog post! How I love you my friend. The amount of messages have taken our breath away). Last night a precious couple came and washed my feet and prayed over us as a family in preparation for all that lies ahead. That same precious woman has prayed, fasted and constantly cheered us on in God. Friends and family have called and popped over all of this week to pray over us, drop off food, lavish precious gifts and offer all kinds of practical help. Even our accommodation while we stay here in Cape Town has been Divinely set up and we are so blessed with His mighty peace and provision as we come away to rest as we await Zac's birth. Our daughters are seeing what "love in action" looks like as they watch all the goings on. Jesus is truly carrying us!

We await more doctors appointments this week. In it all I hear His gentle whisper tonight ... "Be still and know that I am God". What a lovely Jesus He is ... so gentle, gracious, lavish in love and oh so Mighty to save to the uttermost. We go to sleep with hearts bolstered in encouragement and expectation.

Thank you to all who have shown us "love in action" in ways we will never forget!

All our love,

Brett, Janine, Tianna, Angelee and Zac

Reasons to Celebrate

2011-09-20T10:43:00.000+02:00

I am quickly typing this in between trying to pack up for Cape, and while packing I am having this to celebrate :0)

What to celebrate you may ask ... well you would be amazed at how many amazing blessings you will discover of how good God has been to you when you start looking back and remembering what He has walked you through. Today I am celebrating many wonderful things! I am celebrating how no matter how dark certain moments have appeared to be, His light has ALWAYS broken through!!! Hope & Love have ALWAYS overcome the deepest of fears. I am celebrating the precious family He has surrounded Brett and I with and the amazing friends and loved ones who have cheered us on and been praying us through. I celebrate how He has cocooned both my daughters hearts with the same peace He has cocooned Brett and my heart with and sheltered our precious family in constant hope of abundant life! I celebrate that as an extended family He has faithfully taught us all how to walk in victory and peace. I am also celebrating today that I am 36 weeks pregnant - way further than the doctors ever dreamed I would go and Brett and I are dancing with joy that the doctor today estimated Zac's weight as finally being in the 2kg range!!! He is about 2.1kgs!!! This is such a wonderful answer to prayer. Just look at our precious son. Isn't he a miracle already! How much joy he has brought to us already, even before we have had the opportunity yet to hold him. Look at those lips! They are just waiting to be kissed by mommy and daddy!

Today I really want to bolster each of your hearts that as you start to remember all the many ways God has been faithful to you, that faith would rise up inside of you, so strong and true, that you would see Jesus' heart of love for you! This is the same God who is looking for any opportunity to show you His love and faithfulness. Find a reason to celebrate today!!! You are treasured beyond words!

All my love,

Janine xxx

Getting Ready for Cape Town ... Are we Prepared?

2011-09-16T14:53:00.000+02:00

Hello friends. Thank you SO MUCH for your wonderful comments and encouragement to us as a family. We have been carried by God's amazing peace every step of these last few weeks and are so blessed to have so many people praying and believing with us.

As we head towards our 36th week of pregnancy, we are getting ready to go to Cape Town in preparation for our precious Zac's birth. We drive on Wednesday with our girls and then go for all the scans, meet the doctors & specialists and hopefully get a rundown of the hospital where Zac will be born.

Brett and I can sense that we are in the last stretch of the pregnancy now and these last few weeks are a time of leaning into Jesus. There is so much we cannot control. There is so much we cannot predict. The journey to Cape Town feels like Jesus asking us to walk on the water. When my mind begins to contemplate the size of the waves, my heart reminds me of the certainty of the One on whom our eyes are fixed upon. Walking on water was a breeze for Him, so if that is what He asks of us, certainly it isn't as impossible as it would seem ;0)

The closer we get to Zac coming, the more we are asked if we are "prepared" for all scenarios, whether good or bad. I understand the heart behind this question, but I'm not always certain on how to answer. Here is my attempt to express our hearts as the time draws closer.
If it is a question of whether we are prepared for the worst case scenario, then our answer is how does anyone ever prepare themselves for defeat when cultivating a heart of faith in the certainty of God's overcoming work on the cross for our son. No. We have not prepared ourselves to grieve. I don't think anyone can prepare to grieve until you are in that situation. If it is a question of whether we are prepared for the possibility of surgery, then we can firmly answer that we have placed ourselves in the wisest place to have Zac's birth - in Cape Town where an exceptional team of Doctors and Surgeons have been preparing themselves in the event that they can possibly do anything to help Zac. I have been monitored closely ever since the diagnosis. First and foremost, our hope is set in Jesus Christ and what He is able to do - heal completely and to the uttermost. How He does this miracle is up to Him. Our work is simply to believe. Our heart remains steadfast that we would rather Jesus Himself restore Zac's heart than him having to go through multiple surgeries. Even now the doctors have no certainties on what can be done, BUT OUR JESUS DOES!!! That is a great comfort to us when we contemplate all we have been told by doctors.

When we pray, think about and talk about or to Zac, we celebrate the life of God in him and the beautiful destiny he already has in Christ. There has been much joy in between the tears that have flowed as we have walked this weighty road. We are in no way ignorant about the seriousness of Zac's heart condition, but when given the news I realized that I had only 2 choices. I could either walk seized in fear and stress for the remainder of my pregnancy, which would be such a stressful environment for my son or I could open my heart to the peace that Jesus offers all who have need. I can honestly testify that His peace has been a place of joy, comfort and strength to me. His peace has allowed me to see what is possible for those who seek Him - that there is always hope. It has allowed Brett, the girls and I to celebrate Zac and enjoy him growing as a member of our family. God's peace has been our anchor.
Are we nervous? I heard Brett answer this so well the other day. Just like any athlete who trains and prepares himself for a race, on race day he faces the nervousness of waiting to see what the outcome will be. As much as he has prepared, he will only know the full experience once in the race. This is so true of where we are at. We have done and are continuing to do all that we have heard our Father teach us on how to tackle each day. Come Zac's birth in the next few weeks, we know that He will be standing in that delivery room with us. Love Himself will be with us as we get ready for the last leg of the race.
All our love,
Brett and Janine

Almost 35 Weeks!

2011-09-09T18:08:00.000+02:00

Hello precious friends. Sorry that it's taken me some time to post an update, but I am really trying to pace myself in these last few weeks of being pregnant. This coming Monday I will be 35 weeks!

I have to write what a miracle this is for us!!! I have mentioned before that our firstborn came prematurely at 35 weeks after being in pre-labour for 10 days. With our second born, it all started so much sooner and she was born at 33 weeks. When Brett and I decided to ask the Lord for our precious little boy, we did so in faith that it would be completely different this time and a testimony to the doctors on board (as they have all told us that this one would come even sooner). Our prayer all along has been that he would not come early and be whisked away from us into icu. Well, our little man is staying put and at our last scan this week he is steadily gaining weight and there are no signs of labour! Yay Jesus! These are all big testimonies to us at this time.

Other precious blessings to us are the amount of people praying for Zac. We stand in awe of the army of believers that God has raised up to stand alongside us in faith for Zac's miracle heart. I cannot tell you how many messages I have received from people all over the world and in different parts of South Africa that I have never met who keep encouraging us and letting us know that they and their friends and family are all praying for Zac. I have even had precious people come up to me in shopping centre's (you know how I love visiting a shop or two - hee hee) to introduce themselves to me and let me know that they too are believing God's healing promises for our sweet boy. It absolutely infuses our hearts with love and faith as we continue to stand, believing and looking to our precious Jesus.

I must admit that some days are harder than others. It's a constant guarding of your thoughts to stay in unity with what God says over what you have heard or feel. I want to say that I totally believe that there is nothing wrong with "feelings". God has given us the ability to feel as a gift. What I have learned in my life though is that to live simply guided by those feelings is a roller-coaster ride!!! Feelings are a great gauge to uncover what is locked up in our hearts. But if I have to choose how to tackle a day with all that we are believing for ... my feelings would never bring me peace of mind or stability. I will FOREVER be thankful for the revelation of God's Word and Person that has become my anchor. His love takes my breath away! He stands so close to us. It has literally kept my heart secure and steadfast in peace from the day we learned of the miracle Zac was in need of.

This blog has always been a place of honesty for me. In that light I will let you in on some of the things that I have battled against in my journey so far. Tuesday was a really tough day for me. I just felt so flat and tired. It didn't help that I had a migraine. In my heart, since that Cape Town appointment when we heard "the news", I have carried this desire in my heart to fast for my son, but I knew that it would be totally unwise for me to do. Zac is underweight compared to other little ones this far along in the third trimester, so I need to keep eating healthily to give him every opportunity to grow in strength. After the scan on Tuesday although my heart was full of all the positives, I just felt like bawling my eyes out. I wanted it to be the scan that unveiled his complete miracle. I sat on my bed and told the Lord how I needed a little encouragement that day. Oh how faithful He is friends! That's when he reminded me again of how He is simply asking me to rest in faith and not strive. He has all the bases covered. I was visited by a friend who told me she wanted to bring me a meal and pray for us and Zac. She had been fasting all day for me! Do you know how much this consoled my heart!!!! The one thing I had wanted to do but could not, God had raised up another to do on my behalf never knowing the cry of my heart. I woke up on Wednesday morning to another faithful friend who felt released to tell me that since hearing the news in C.T. God had directed her to fast for Zac on certain days. She has been doing this all along since the day my heart cried out to God and she never knew my heart's cry. Oh Jesus. How faithful He is!!!

I know my posts are long these days and all about our journey with Zac, but in this season of our lives all I want to do is testify to how real and powerful God is. It has been the hardest, yet richest time in our lives as Jesus has revealed so much of Himself to us. Our faith is resolute as we look to Him and wait. 4 more weeks today until the scheduled c-section. As you have been following this blog, my greatest heart cry is for you to see Jesus for the God of Love that He is. All I have encountered in the darkest place of our lives is His Light, Love and Peace. He is close to the brokenhearted. May your heart be touched by His Presence as you seek Him out. No matter how dark your day is ... He brings Light and clarity and with that comes peace beyond any rational understanding. He loves us with a relentless love!!!

All my love,

Janine

Isn't He Lovely?! Oh so Lovely!

2011-08-31T20:41:00.000+02:00

Precious friends ... the more I get to know my Jesus, the more I am overwhelmed by what love truly looks like. I have to start this post by saying that to know Him is to love Him. He truly is the best depiction of what love looks like because, He is love in every way. He is more beautiful and wonderful than any words could ever express. He truly is. If you don't see Him like this ... seek Him out for yourself. To all who seek Him, He is found. Never go on just the picture of somebody else's opinion of Jesus ... take the time to seek Him out for yourself. If you look at His life in the pages of your Bible, you will discover His heart and your heart will forever be captivated.

When I started this journey of "love in action" through this blog, I never would have known the rich treasures Jesus would reveal to me about Himself in the midst of what many would see as a nightmare. What I have found is perfect peace and confidence of faith in Him beyond any of my own human reasoning. What I have found is the heart of Jesus and how wonderful He truly is. After loving Him for 29 years I am realising how much more there is to love and discover. I have hardly scraped the surface! His wisdom and goodness go way beyond what my mind can take in which is obviously why He reveals Himself to me one day at a time ;0)

So let me get to some of the things He has been showing me lately.

Well, you all know by now how He has been teaching me to have a confident faith in Him with regards to His promises about our baby boy's healed heart. This confidence of faith can only come based on revelation of His Word, and oh how He has gone above and beyond in showing us His wonderful heart for Zac. Just a glimpse of this little boys destiny in God blows me away. Hebrews 11:1 has been an absolute anchor for me. "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen, it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." What I have been learning is that hope in itself has no substance. Hoping that God will answer our prayer is vastly different to having the faith that confidently holds God to the truth that He is always faithful to His Word. When faith / believing God, is added to our hope ... we have substance people!!! Solid substance and assurance that God is able & willing :0)

I have gone through such a range of questions with the Lord and have come to see with clarity that unless you get God's Word on the matter that you are believing for, you cannot have immovable faith or peace of heart. Only seeing Jesus' Word gives you confidence to believe what Jesus says in John 14:12-14 "I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, if anyone steadfastly believes in Me, he will himself be able to do the things that I do; and he will do even greater things than these, because I go to My Father. And I will do (I Myself will grant) whatever you ask in My name (as presenting all that I AM), so that the Father may be glorified and extolled in (through) the Son. (Yes) I will grant (I Myself will do for you) whatever you shall ask in My Name (as presenting all that I AM.)" (Amplified version). This is the confidence Jesus wants each of us as believers to have. This is the very reason that we are called "believers". He is looking for us to BELIEVE in all that He is!!! This has HUGE impact on our lives here on earth and in Heaven!

So here's what struck my heart today. Hebrews 7:25-26 says "Therefore He is able also to save to the uttermost (completely, perfectly, finally and for all time and eternity) those who come to God through Him, since He is always living to make petition to God and intercede with Him and intervene for them. (Here is) the High Priest (perfectly adapted) to our needs, as was fitting - holy, blameless, unstained by sin, separated from sinners, and exalted higher than the heavens."

Ok, stick with me here for just a little longer ... that word "save" to the uttermost is the Greek word "sozo" which means "to save i.e. to deliver or protect (lit. or fig.) to heal, preserve, save (self), do well, be (make) whole"! Oh my Word! This is the beautiful and wonderful Jesus that I was shouting out about at the beginning of my post! This is how He saves! To the UTTERMOST and in EVERY WAY!!! Do you see how wonderful He is! This is the kind of help He gives to "those who come to God through Him". That salvation includes EVERYTHING that we will ever need this side of heaven and for all eternity! This is why I know with confidence that my son's heart is healed. This is why I know with confidence that ANYTHING you are facing and dealing with is just another opportunity for Him to show His salvation and love to you. He doesn't just want you to accept what you are going through. He wants to save, heal, deliver, protect, preserve, do well and make whole anything that is simply too impossible for you. This is the very God who is praying and interceding for you every single day until you meet Him face to face in heaven. This is Jesus! The One who is "perfectly adapted to your every need".

Now you know why I can rejoice while I patiently wait to hold my perfectly loved and whole son. My Jesus is praying and interceding over his life as He is over my daughters lives, my husband's life and my very own life EVERY DAY. He is the One praying over your life today and waiting for you to simply believe so that He can do all that He has spoken over your life!!! Oh how He loves you. Isn't He lovely?! So very lovely!!!

In whatever you are facing today, take some time out to discover His heart on the matter. You will come away with peace and assurance that no man can ever steal from you.

All my love xxx

Janine

Smiling through those "sometimes tears"

2011-08-26T18:26:00.000+02:00

Along this crazy journey, sometimes Brett and I just cry. When talking about the faithfulness of how God is walking so closely to us and through all the processing, sometimes we have those moments where we can't stop the tears. Isn't there a verse somewhere where it says God collects every one of our tears? He sees us through every emotion we face.

Today I thought I would share some of the precious gifts that we have received along the way in the last few days. I have mentioned a few times how blessed we have been by the children that have been praying for Zac and our family. Just this week I was blessed with this little home made bookmark for my Bible from such a precious little girl named Katie. Oh how it touches my heart!!!

How profound is that one little statement "I hope that God will help you throw your stress". How brilliant! Yes Lord!!! That is one thing I have learned in the last few weeks ... to "throw my stress" on the Lord in exchange for His "heart peace"!

Talking about "heart peace", here is another precious hand made gift ...

Oh how I cried when I received this! This sign was made for us and has been mounted in Zac's room. God knows Brett and I so well and exactly what will speak to our hearts. Not only does it hold the phrase that God gave me the morning that we would hear troubling news, but it was made from Brett's favourite wood ... iron wood / railway sleeper. The significance is astonishing to us. It is one of the toughest woods. How "Jesus" is this gift!!! His peace is able to see us through even the toughest situations!!!

This week my action step in faith has been to get Zac's room together. I still need to get a rug and a few finishing touches, but look how sweet it is looking so far :0)

I love sitting in his rocking chair and reading the Word. It cheers my heart to be in his little room.

Talking about the prayers prayed from this chair, on Monday morning after dropping the girls off at school I went to check on their hamsters. My heart sank. Angelee's hamster cage had been bumped open and the cage was empty! This is her first hamster and she LOVES him. I immediately sent out a desperate prayer to God and called Brett. He rushed home from work with one of his staff members and we turned the house inside out looking for Bree. Gone! No where to be found! He had escaped Sunday night, the doors had been left open during the day until I discovered his escape and our expert hunter, Mr. Cosmo the terrier had been inside. My heart was just aching to have to tell Angelee the news when I fetched her from school. As I knew she would, she burst into tears. I promised to take her to the pet shop to choose another one and she looked at me and said "No Mommy. I want Bree. Jesus will help me find him." Oh my goodness. My heart was in my throat. What was I going to do if she couldn't find him? How could I protect her heart from becoming disappointed?

That afternoon sent me into tears in that rocking chair. I listened to her for hours calling out her hamsters name and searching inside and outside, shaking a little box of seeds. My mommy's heart just broke. I told the Lord that I had faith for a creative miracle for Zac's heart, but seeing my child's faith for this hamster to be found and me not being able to do anything but trust Him. It just seemed so huge to me in the scale of everything else that we have been standing for.

Tuesday - came and went. I asked Angelee again if I couldn't take her to the pet shop. "No mommy. Jesus will help me find Bree". Wednesday morning I woke up with one of the girls crying just before 4am. The wind was howling and she was scared. After tucking her back in bed I lay there thinking how that poor hamster must be trying to survive outside in all the wind. Brett and I were convinced it had escaped into the great outdoors. I heard Tianna get out of bed, switch on the light and I was about to go give her what for for waking up the whole house when I heard her screaming "I found Bree ... I found Bree". At 4am she found the hamster at the bottom of the ladder of her bunk bed!!!! I wanted to sob!!!! No one will ever know how this boosted my faith and made me so aware of Jesus' arms holding me close. Oh how He is interested in the big things and the small things. He heard Angelee's faith ... and protected and built it up by giving her the very thing she had asked Him for. How can I doubt the goodness of my Jesus and His heart to answer the cries of my heart when I see Him tending to all the details of our hearts!

May you have a wonderful weekend celebrating our amazing Saviour who sees all and is always able and always willing!!!

All my love xxx

Janine

While we Wait

2011-08-24T17:30:00.000+02:00

I have to confess that I have been a Christian for 29 years ... have loved the Bible, even attended Bible School for 2 years studying and seeing it come alive, but never given it the priority as I have over this last year, especially this last month. Have I read it, loved it, been encouraged by it and even preached from it ... yes! ... but never have I clung to it as a lifeline as I have over this last month. Before the 'paw paw hit the fan" (so to speak - hee hee) 3 weeks ago, I felt so compelled by the revelation that Jesus is the very Word of God (John 1:1) sitting across from me, teaching me of His very heart and desires each time I pick it up. Oh my goodness! It has totally changed my view of loving the Word of God. I see it so clearly as God speaking to me. It is because of this that Brett, Tianna, Angelee and I are held in His Supernatural peace. That "peace that surpasses all understanding" spoken of in Philippians 4:7 has literally in every way "mounted guard over our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus". (Amplified Bible). We are so fully persuaded of the promises He has given us to hold to, that even the children, at such a potentially stressful time are so peaceful and settled. This can only be Jesus and the peace that He Himself gives to all who believe.

This is the amazing part of knowing Christ. No matter what we go through, HE HAS A PROMISE OF LIFE AND HOPE FOR US TO CLING TO IN HIS WORD. Jesus never said we would not have tough times, but He does say over and over again that He will deliver us out of them all if we call upon Him. We don't just have to settle for the hardship we find ourselves in. Jesus has the solution to anything we will ever face. I believe that with all my heart. He has not given us a full inheritance and covenant that lacks in any way. He is the God who said it is His desire that we not only have life, but that we have ABUNDANT life. (John 10:10) The Amplified Bible says it this way "The thief (satan) comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).

As I was about to go to sleep the other night, I heard His gentle whisper to my heart "My Word is the window to my heart". Jesus sees so clearly what we face day by day. He sees each one of the "complexities" that we see. He stands in the middle of it all and for those who will come to His Word for answers ... He will reveal His heart and will of how to stand and what we can believe. He has made His will so very clear to us on how to stand in our situation.

I think that often times the hardest part of our faith walk is in the waiting ... that time frame in between asking and seeing the evidence of your prayer answered. The Lord has personally led me to the place of " ... they shall not be put to shame who WAIT FOR, LOOK FOR, HOPE FOR, AND EXPECT ME." (Isaiah 49:23). Is it an easy place to wait ... no. But it becomes so much easier that while you wait, IN FAITH, you are waiting with all your expectation being in God and the truth of His promises. Every time doubt rises in my mind, even in the smallest ways I am reminded that God cannot lie and that every one of His promises are YES and AMEN. Let's look at that in 2 Corinthians 1:20 "For ALL the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us." All of a sudden when we get a heart understanding of this, our waiting is not done in fear or anxiety or with uncertainty. Our waiting is done in confident trust, with sure hope that He is able. He is the One who watches over His Word to bring it to pass. Every one of those promises He has given to you ... are YES and AMEN when you are looking to Him in expectation and in faith.

I have learned that faith is not just hope alone or merely asking and then hoping that He will answer. Faith is being fully convinced of God's will and character and KNOWING that He is always true to His Word.

I know my recent posts are all about faith ... but these last 3 weeks have taught me what Jesus said in Mark 11:22-24 "And Jesus, replying, said to them, 'Have faith in God (constantly). Truly I tell you, whoever says to this mountain, Be lifted up and thrown into the sea! and does not doubt at all in his heart but believes that what he says will take place, it will be done for him. For this reason I am telling you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe (trust and be confident) that it is granted to you, and you will get it."

What I understand in those verses is that Jesus is teaching us to seek out His will and when we have found it regarding our circumstances, to ask with confidence in faith and we will see those mountains moved.

I know there are so many questions about faith. I do not have all the answers, but Jesus does. All I want to encourage you with today is what He has been revealing to me, that it is His desire to show you how to stand in whatever situation you find yourself in. He is the God of all hope. Take your questions to Him today. Look into His Word. He has comfort, encouragement and so much wisdom to share with you! (James 1:5)

All my love xxx

Janine

The Incredible Miracles as we've been Standing for Zac's Miracle

2011-08-21T21:05:00.000+02:00

Our very precious friends, the Lord has been revealing SO MUCH of Himself to Brett and I and our children through this journey we are walking with Him every day. Brett has his own post that he would like to share soon too as Zac's daddy. We have never experienced His amazing Presence like we are experiencing right now in our lives as He is walking with us and leading us in how to believe and stand leaning COMPLETELY on HIM. It is the most comforting place we have ever experienced. Throughout the day His Word guards our minds. Even as we sleep we hear Him talking to us in our dreams. As a mother it delights my heart to overflowing to hear how He is talking to my daughters in this and holding them so secure in His peace and rest. He continues to speak life and confidence to us over and over again.

Pondering these things the Lord began to show me that even along the way to what Brett and I see as the evidence of Zac's heart miracle ... there are so many amazing miracles taking place. I want to share just some of what is happening, because this whole journey us Robinson's are on right now is so much bigger than just us. I have shared in each post that the day we first got news of any problem, that morning, before my appointment and us even hearing any worrisome news about Zac's heart, God showed me in the book of Colossians 1:2 in the Amplified Bible that He has given us "heart peace". 2 verses down it then delclares how to have faith - to lean entirely in confidant trust in God's power, wisdom and goodness. I believe that this is the promise not only for us and Zac to hold onto ... but that this miracle is all about "heart peace" for every believer standing with us and looking to Jesus for their own miracle. What we are learning day by day is that only gazing into Jesus, who is the very Word of God (John 1:1) are we able to have confidant heart peace.

As I look back on these last 2 crazy weeks I see how EVERY TIME before we got a bad report medically speaking, God had already sent us a promise from His Word filled with such certainty and directness to what we were about to hear, so that we could lean upon and hold Him to. I actually now laugh at how committed He is to keeping Brett and I in confidant faith because as I think "Lord where in Your Word did you say ... (whatever it is I need to bolster my courage), either my phone beeps with a message of that EXACT verse typed out and sent to me from a loving family member or friend, or I pick up a book and as I read that very chapter, it starts talking all about that subject! This is why Hebrews 11:1 says that "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen, it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." (New Living Translation). The Amplified Bible explains this verse by explaining that faith in the Word (Jesus Christ) is the "title deed" to what we are believing and holding Him to. This set me free on Friday when I read it, because when you have the title deed to something, IT BELONGS TO YOU!!!

On Friday we got the confirmed diagnosis in writing from the specialist we just saw in Cape Town and her associates. It was so painful to read ... but then God sent us that very same day His report through a friend interceding for us of a vision backed up from the Word of God through the story of Nehemiah that He showed her that same morning. One day I will have to post that email. After reading that I was reminded of the verse which says "Whose report will you believe? We shall believe the report of the Lord!".

The miracles that Brett and I are seeing come so much through the messages pouring in through sms's, phone calls, facebook messages and blog messages. (If I have not responded my thanks to you personally yet - I am so sorry. It's just been such a full time but oh how your messages have ministered to us as a family!!! THANK YOU). People are telling us how Jesus is teaching them to believe! From people we know to people we have never met, telling us of how many of God's children are in faith for Zac's miracle ... from little children praying in a nursery school for Jesus to "heal the little boy with a broken heart", to parents sharing how their children are reminding them to pray as a family for Zac's Jesus miracle, to churches and groups of people in bible studies all around South Africa, USA, the UK, the Middle East and even Brazil all believing that Zac has his miracle! I will never know this side of Heaven how many have stood in the gap for us, but how I cannot wait to hug each person who has encouraged us during this time.

Another great encouragement to Brett and I is to see how God's children are looking to Him and searching out His will / His promises in the Word of God. As they search out these promises to encourage us, I know that God is revealing His heart to deliver, save and bless to them too as they are standing for His breakthrough's in their lives.

I've had a dear friend share how her unsaved extended family are looking to God for a miracle. What a beautiful miracle! Both Brett and I stand humbled before God to be receiving encouragement from dear friends who have walked mightily in faith and complete devotion to Jesus through loss who are encouraging us to keep looking to Jesus. Oh how compassionate Jesus is in the heart of His people. It just makes me want to weep! We have received the most incredible stories from people around the world who have entrusted their children into Jesus' capable hands through surgeries and seen the faithfulness of God as mighty Healer. We have been told of countless incredible creative miracles too. The children of God are testifying right now!!! Through God's presence in the midst of their losses and victories, they are testifying how present He is and how capable He is of the impossible! What power comes through this as believers! The book of Revelation declares that "they overcame him by the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony". The more we testify to the goodness of God, the more faith rises in our hearts to believe for what the world would say is impossible. Oh Jesus ... You are Magnificent!

I know this is a super long post, but I wanted to end with these words shared by Smith Wigglesworth. "There is a rest of faith; there is a faith that rests in confidence on God. God's promises never fail. 'Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.' (Romans 10:17). The Word of God can create an irresistible faith, a faith that is never daunted, a faith that never gives up and never fails. We fail to realize the largeness of our Father's supply. We forget that He has a supply that cannot be exhausted. It pleases Him when we ask for much. 'If you then, being evil, know how to give GOOD GIFTS to your children, HOW MUCH MORE will your Father who is in heaven give GOOD THINGS to those who ASK HIM.' (Matthew 7:11)"

My precious friends, our God cannot fail! He is the rock that is higher than us. He is the Everlasting, Almighty One. He is the God who is "the same yesterday, today, and forever." (Hebrews 13:8). Oh how He loves us, comforts us, carries us, strengthens us and gives us a secure hope in Him.

Sending you all much love and encouragement from a heart that is held in place by the God of all peace.

Janine

The Kind of Miracle we are Believing for

2011-08-18T21:20:00.000+02:00

Firstly, thank you once again for all the wonderful messages of love and encouragement. Our hearts are so overwhelmed by all the love that keeps flowing our way. I am truly seeing what "Love in Action" looks like. My house is filled with bunches of flowers ... meals and treats keep being dropped off and my phone hardly stays silent with messages of hope and encouragement. God is hugging us through each of your acts of love.

Let me fill you in on the last few days.

Tuesday we flew out to Cape Town. Our appointment was in the late afternoon, but my phone kept beeping with the most incredible promises of God to bolster our hearts. This was the scan to determine a diagnosis of Zac's little heart. Every scripture and word of encouragement that was sent to us that morning became a pillar for us to lean into during that appointment.

The scan was one and a half hours long. She started out by weighing him and checking out all his organs. He has gained weight and moved from the lowest growth curve into just under average. That is a victory. Every limb, feature and organ is perfect. The blood tests ruled out chromosome defects ... another victory. Then she scanned the heart. Yikes people. It was the longest hour and a half as the the serious and weighty atmosphere desended into that little room. You know it's bad when the assistant nurse looks at the scan then walks over to you and pats your leg and looks so very sorry for what she is seeing. Then the specialist began talking.

I will never forget how hard that appointment was as long as I live. Brett and I just held each others hands for all we were worth as she told us what any parent dreads to hear ... that there is very little to no hope medically speaking. The defects in the heart she was scanning were what they term very complex ... beyond the standard heart operations that are still very serious but operable. This heart, though beating, had too many defects. Where she should see 4 chambers, she saw 1. Where she should see 2 tubes, she saw only one. She noted the coortation of the aorta my Doctor suspected and then still noticed that the arch of the aorta was too narrow. Each defect alone is a huge complex defect ... never mind all of this put together. She said she would have to work together with a pediatric cardiologist to see if any of this could be operable but she didn't sound very hopeful. When Brett asked if Zac can survive once born with his heart in this condition she said no. We felt like we were standing outside watching in on somebody else's scan. How could things go from healthy and fine all the way through the pregnancy to this? She said we have to deliver in Cape Town if there is to be any chance of survival and that is only if they deem they can operate. We are still waiting to hear what her and her colleague have agreed upon as their diagnosis. As we were about to leave, the assistant nurse came up to me and said she saw we had hope coming in but she wanted me to know that this was very bad. She said it was the worst heart case she has ever seen in her career and that there isn't much hope. I just cried my eyes out. Brett and I walked to the car, held onto each other and I sobbed. All through that scan I could feel Him embracing my heart asking me to trust a little longer ... that His fingerprints will be shown to be over Zac's heart. In that parking lot Brett and I decided that nothing had changed. We were still trusting in God for the same miracle we asked for in the first place ... a new heart from Him for Zac. Brett reminded me of Jairus in the Bible, that even after his daughter had died he went to find Jesus and asked Him to come and heal his little girl. Jesus did! We made the decision that God has led us so graciously, day by day over these last 2 weeks to trust and lean entirely into Him and to ask Him with fearless faith for Zac's miracle and that is what we will continue to do. Medical Science may not be able to help our son, but we know the One who is Creator of Heaven and earth - the maker of man who keeps reminding us that HE is knitting Zac together in my womb. HE is qualified for this job. HE is the only One more than equal to this occasion.

So friends, you may notice that I talk about Zac's heart scan on Tuesday in the past tense ... that is because Brett and I are leaning into the Word and Promises of the Living God to see that we have already claimed a new, strong, healthy heart from our Loving Saviour for Zac. We are choosing to believe in what God CAN do. This is the covenant that God Almighty has made with Zac already. He is the One who has showed us that we are not to waver in our trust, but to be fully convinced that that which we have asked for in faith, according to His Word, believing that we have received it, we can have. We cannot believe anything less. We know that Zac is a gift from God and has an incredible destiny in God, as we all do and that it will glorify God to have him live out each of his days bearing witness to the fact that God keeps His promises.

So that's where we are in the journey. This is a radical walk of faith for Brett and I, yet we have never had more peace in our hearts ... total "heart peace". While I cannot see Jesus with my physical eyes, I have never been more aware of His presence walking me through every minute of everyday.

My prayer is that even as God is encouraging and holding Brett and I up and teaching us how to walk in faith for our miracle, so will you hear our Heavenly Father's hope and heartbeat for you as you are trusting Him for your miracle. May you be carried by His grace and heart peace as we are. In the midst of the hardest storm, Jesus has stilled our hearts and we know He is taking us safely to the other side of Zac's miracle. This is the same Jesus who stands in your boat today, willing to take you to the other side of your miracle.

All my love xxx

Janine

"Fearless Confidence" ... why I can have it!

2011-08-13T10:11:00.000+02:00

Firstly ... thank you so much for all the prayers that have been prayed with us for our sweet baby boy! All the love and encouragement Brett and I have experienced is so humbling! I can honestly say that both us and the girls have such "heart peace". It is a peace that can only come from God Himself.
We just heard that our appointment in Cape Town with the pediatric heart specialist is on Tuesday. Brett and I are seeing this as an opportunity for God to do a creative miracle in our little boys heart so that when we go to the scan they won't be able to find anything wrong :0) I have received so many amazing messages of hope and encouragement from so many that have absolutely saturated Brett and my heart. A constant verse that keeps coming through is from Psalm 139:13-14 (Amplified Bible) "For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mothers womb. I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self knows right well." I stand in awe that God has given man the knowledge and ability in this day and age to be able to fix hearts. I have been so encouraged from many who have had to walk this route of open heart surgery with their babies and have seen the faithfulness of a miracle working God shine through. This encourages Brett and I deeply! Right now, up until we hear otherwise we are asking the One who is still knitting our little boy together in my womb to knit his little heart whole before he is born.
I want to share with you today how real God has made Himself known to me in all of this, because my heart is so much that it be an encouragement to anyone who might read this to see Jesus standing in the midst of their tests or storms.
I shared with you in my earlier 2 posts how before we even knew that there was anything wrong with Zac, minutes before my scan God gave me 2 promises from Colossians 1 that He has given me "heart peace" and also that having faith means to lean entirely and trust completely in His power, wisdom and goodness. As I was having the more detailed scan on Tuesday I again heard His gentle whisper that His peace covers Zac's heart.
Yesterday as I was getting ready for the day all these thoughts assailed my mind. You know ... the "what if" kind of thoughts. Immediately I started wondering where I had read in the Bible that we are to be "fully convinced" that what we have asked in faith He is able to do. I needed to hear Him assure my heart again that we can indeed ask for Zac to be healed without a surgeons knife ever touching his little body. Even as a type this, it is a faith test for. But here comes my encouragement to you of how close Jesus is to us even in the workings of our thoughts ... as worry started to build in my mind, my phoned beeped. It was probably 3 minutes after thinking about looking up this verse. As I opened my phone, some precious friend had typed out that exact verse and sent it to me!!! My Jesus is even sifting through the very thoughts in my head to assure that incredible "heart peace". Here's the passage sent to encourage me: "No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, FULLY CONVINCED that God was able to do what He had promised." Romans 4:20-21. How exact is that! Word for word encouragement on the exact wording I was asking God about! Later in the day another friend sent me this encouragement from 1 John 5:14-15 "Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him."
I share these promises with you today to encourage you with whatever you need a miracle for. You and I can have fearless confidence in God, not because of anything we do, but simply because of all that He is. He is love. He is the God of the impossibles. Ask Him for a promise to hold Him to. He delights to bring His promises to pass!
As if I had not been encouraged enough, just before I went to sleep my phoned beeped again with another message. A friend sent me the meaning of Zac's name in her name book: "God remembers His children and His promises. The bearer of the name is a witness to this and represent it in his calling." The verse attached says "Nevertheless, I will (earnestly) remember My covenant with you in the days of your youth and I will establish with you an everlasting covenant." Ezekiel 16:60
Oh my gracious ... how can I worry at all when my God has filled my heart with such direct promises!!! This my dear friends is why Brett and I are able to have joy in the midst of the craziest storm we have ever faced. This is the only reason why our hearts are secure in peace. May you too lean entirely into all that He is knowing that His power, wisdom and goodness is strong enough to calm whatever storm you may be facing too.
All my love xxx
Janine

Believing for Zac's Miracle

2011-08-10T16:15:00.000+02:00

Yesterday we went for the Doppler Scan that I mentioned in my last post. As I woke up the morning of the scan I was greeted by this beautiful message from a friend: xxx Protection, Love, Peace, Faithfulness, Understanding, Believe. xxx "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1. Little did I know how much I would have to hold onto this beautiful Jesus Promise.

At the scan we noticed that our little boy is a little underweight, but I have peace about this. The lovely Dr. scanning was so encouraging as we went from limb to limb and organ to organ just checking out our precious boy from top to toe ;0) As she scanned his heart, I heard the Almighty's quiet assurance that "Zac's heart is protected with My Peace". At the end of the scan the Dr. told us that she had some big concerns. She noticed that our sweet boy has a heart defect, but she does not have the qualifications to diagnose. She and my gynie are arranging to send me for these same scans with a heart specialist in Cape Town. We were shocked speechless. I am now 30 weeks - in my last trimester and there have been no signs of any heart problems throughout the pregnancy. Apparently it is very difficult to see, so the fact that my gynie felt suspicious at our last scan tells us that God has been at work all along watching out for our little boy. I will only know when I see the Doctors in Cape Town what condition his little heart is in. My Doctor is expecting an immediate heart operation at his birth, but Brett and I are so aware of the peace and presence of our Almighty Saviour in all of this and are trusting for a miracle in the womb! He gave us such clear and beautiful promises before we even knew there were any problems. He prepared us with the promise that we can have His "heart peace" even as He is protecting Zac's little heart with that same overshadowing peace. In the face of one of the biggest storms we have ever faced I have the most astounding peace. It is tangible, strong and comforting beyond words could ever express. I know that Jesus is in our boat and that it will not sink!!! Please stand with us in believing for Zac's miracle! Just take a look at our sweet and very peaceful little man.

If you too are facing a storm of any kind ... our precious and powerful Jesus is reminding you too today that He offers you His heart peace! He wants to be all the strength, comfort and joy that you may need. Oh how He loves each of us and never leaves us for a moment. He understands completely and has all we need to endure. May you feel His arms of love wrapped around your heart today even as I hold onto His beautiful and strong embrace.

All my love xxx

Janine

What does "Faith" look like?

2011-08-06T09:49:00.000+02:00

Some people read the Bible as an act of duty to God. I don't believe that is the entire freedom that God has in His heart for us as to the "why" we should read the Bible. He has shown us that we can never deserve the love He has for us. It is given unconditionally. I must admit that I was one of those people for a long time, until I started to read how many times God reminds us that it was His grace that saved us when we were still locked up in our sins, bad habits, guilt and shame. Yes ... in the book of Ephesians we read that we were saved by grace, through faith - that simple heart believing that Jesus is who He has always said that He is ... that we love Him only because He first loved us. I start my post this way, because these days I look at the Bible as my conversations with Jesus. In John 1:1 Jesus tells us that He IS the Word of God. It has changed the whole dynamic of my Bible reading time. When I pick it up I know He is sitting right here with me talking to me. I am teaching my children that if they want to see what Jesus looks like or hear Him talking to them, they can read the Bible to hear His very words to them. Just this week I was reminded again how closely He is interested and involved in our lives and He has just the right thing to say to us to guide us through whatever it is that we are facing.

On Wednesday morning a group of us girls met for some tea and Bible reading time. We were talking through Colossians Chapter 1. As we started I heard His gentle whisper that for each of us ladies, somewhere hidden in this chapter was a promise for each of us personally. Two verses spoke so clearly to my heart. In verse 2 Paul greets the reader with this prayer: "Grace (spiritual favor and blessing) to you and (heart) peace from God our Father." I had never seen that before ... "heart peace"! God knows everything that we will face and in the midst of whatever that may look like, He gives us the favor and blessing to have heart peace no matter what we may face!

The next verse is verse 4 which says "For we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus (the leaning of your entire human personality on Him in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom and goodness) and of the love which you (have and show) for all the saints (God's consecrated ones)." What an amazing picture of what Faith looks like! Faith is the leaning / trusting of our entire human personality on Him in absolute trust ... having complete confidence in His power, wisdom and goodness that He has intended towards us! What a clear and beautiful picture of what faith looks like. It is us depending on Him. I see the picture in my mind of leaning up against all that He is ... all His goodness, strength, stability, peace, protection and goodness.

Straight after my time with the girls I had to run off to my next scan. I will be 30 weeks on Monday so the scans are every 2 weeks from now. It was so awesome to see our baby boy again and his peaceful little face. The Doc did all the scans and picked up that he is a little smaller than where he should be and also that there are signs of calcification starting in my placenta which is a little early and so he wants me to go for a doppler scan next week. Immediately my heart started pounding full of worry and questions and that's when I heard His gentle whisper ... "Heart peace my Jan ... I offer you heart peace". Wow. He gave me these 2 promises within the same hour that I would hear unsettling news at our scan and now every time I tend towards worrying thoughts I get the picture of leaning in complete confidence and trust on HIS power, wisdom and goodness to protect Zac and overshadow Him with His protection. While the doctors look at my track history of premature births, I can focus my heart on His peace knowing that He is able to bring our sweet boy to us when he will be strong and healthy to be born.

I pray that this testimony of what I discovered in God this week will encourage you. As you pick up the Bible, hear His promises of hope, wisdom and encouragement to help you in whatever it is that you are facing in your life today. He sees you and He cares so much!!!

All my love xxx

Janine

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

2011-07-30T10:02:00.000+02:00

This year has been a year of learning how to "let go". If you are wired anything like me, this is not always easy. I'm one of those people who has a big heart and feels very deeply - sometimes too deeply. I looked back over my journals and discovered once again how long my very gracious Lord Jesus has been walking around this mountain with me ;0) It's a learning curve to create the habit of "letting go" before things mount up in your heart. Just this week my eldest looked me in the eye and used my very same words to her ... "Mommy. Don't sweat the small stuff." I was so proud of her for being able to recognize and remind me that her and I are learning the same principle together. There is nothing like observing something in another persons life to help you recognize that you still have work to do in your own life. This is a very wise principle that my sister Niqui has taught me over many heart felt conversations. Oh how grateful I am for her in my life! For so long I have been plugging away with my firstborn to help her learn how to let the small stuff go and not stress so easily, yet I have been walking around with the same ailment for so long. I thank God that He uses my precious children to mould, refine and teach me so many life giving lessons.

As I worked through and processed what was stressing me out so much yesterday, I heard His encouraging whisper to look for the blessing in amongst the disappointment. We all have our faults, because we are all on a journey to wholeness and freedom. To become engaged in offense which most often comes through misunderstanding, robs us of the blessing that was ultimately intended. It always amazes me how hard that choice to "let go" is when you feel so justified in your interpretation of events. But I can truly say, no matter the level of hurt ... there is nothing sweeter than the freedom and liberty that blows upon your heart when you finally let go. Oh the lightness!

So here's to a stress free weekend as I let go and trust God. He is after all capable of working all things out to His glory!

Love you all xxx

Janine

The Beauty of a Gift Lavished in Love

2011-07-21T16:43:00.000+02:00

Yesterday our "Power Hour" girls Bible Study group was talking around Philippians 4. There are so many amazing and encouraging promises in this little chapter for all of us to draw from. Promises about how to walk free of anxiety and in peace and contentment, no matter what we feel or whatever our circumstances might look like. Promises that teach us how to receive the gifts that God has stored up for us. There are so many uplifting promises. I encourage you to give it a read today. I was sharing with the girls around verse 19 which says "And my God will liberally supply (fill to the full) your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Doesn't it just blow you away when you read God's certainty. He says that He WILL (not might or maybe) not only supply ... but He will LIBERALLY supply (which means fill to the full) EVERY need that you have according to the riches found in Jesus Christ. My heart was so filled with courage and hope when I see the certainty of God's promises for all who will look to Him and call on Him believing.

Then we started talking around what kind of needs Jesus is able to fulfill. This verse says EVERY need. That means not only our material needs, but our body, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, ... basically any need that we may encounter in our day. He is waiting for us to look to Him and His infinite resource of love to meet any need that we may have.

As we were talking I realised that when God gives us a gift ... it is a good and perfect gift, not given to us at our own expense. No ... when God gives ... He gives to us that which will enrich us and it is given at His expense. We started sharing around the many gifts that God has given each of us over the years and I shared with the ladies how God has really blessed us through this pregnancy with little Zac. Over the last six and a half years I have given away all our baby equipment, clothes and things. We are totally starting over from scratch. I had my heart set on finding a lovely compactum with baby bath inside. In the last 3 weeks I was contacted by a sweet friend who offered me her wooden compactum (with bath inside) and matching cot for R600! I was blown away! It is so beautiful (pictures to follow when the nursery is ready). Within days my very precious mommy darling whom I have been missing SO MUCH (she lives in the U.S.) heard about it and blessed us with the money to get it. This means so much to me because it is a constant reminder of her presence with us and Zac when we miss her as much as we do.

Then earlier this week, we were blessed with a rocking chair, something that I never had with the girls but always desired. This chair is so special to me because it originally belonged to a very dear friend of mine who nursed all three of her children in it many years ago. She is a mother that I have always admired and looked up to in the way she has raised her 3 children. She too lives in the U.S. and I so miss her friendship - so this chair is such a sweet reminder of her being closer. We are going to have it recovered with the material draped over the chair to fit into our little room. Isn't it beautiful!

As I shared these testimonies of God's amazing blessings with the girls I was so overwhelmed with God's love that not only has He given us the gift of Zac ... the son we have prayed for for nearly 2 years, but He is lavishing all the practical gifts we need to welcome him into our home. As if this has not been enough, later that morning a dear friend of mine came to me and gave me 8 packets full of little baby boy clothes from newborn to the age of one that my sweet little Godson has outgrown. I was simply blown away. Just take a look at these blessings ...

Today may you be reminded that Jesus has the means to supply any one of your needs. Maybe you need His wisdom or perspective in a matter. Ask Him. You will be amazed at the ways He will speak to you, whether through a friend or book. He wants to meet your need. Maybe you need an injection of strength and joy again. Right now as I sit here and type I have been given a wonderful afternoon off to rest while my children are being taken care of. This was one of my needs that God has met through a precious mother in grace. Ask God and then share with someone the amazing testimonies of how He has met your needs.

All my love xxx

Janine

The Adventures of my Little Bear

2011-07-15T16:29:00.000+02:00

My precious firstborn had the best day yesterday. She has been waiting for 2 things over the last 2 weeks ... Firstly ... to chop all her hair off. I tried and tried to talk her out of it, but this little bear knows exactly what she has in mind so off to my lovely friend Sandra's salon we went and she had some pampering done. Just take a look at her sweet little face soaking up all the "big girl" treatment ...

Just look at how beautiful my little girl looks! What a stunner!!!

What touched my heart most was that when she looked at herself in the mirror she was able to say with confidence "I am so beautiful". Yes my precious Tianna, you are absolutely beautiful! May you always know that and carry your confidence with such simple grace.

Now the second thing that she has been waiting for not-so-patiently is for her letter to arrive in the post from her Lala. As we got home she checked the post box and low and behold ... her letter arrived!!!! It was truly her day in every way! Just look at that tender little smile.

Thank you precious Lala for making Tianna's day with your precious words of love. She has her card packed with all her treasures ... safely in her heart xxx

All my love,

Janine xxx

Happy Birthday to a Precious Mother-in-Grace

2011-07-08T15:38:00.000+02:00

My very precious mom-in-law has never let me call her my in-law. She has me call her my "mother-in-grace". This post is dedicated to saying a very happy 60th birthday to this amazing lady who has taught me so much by the way she lives and loves. I realise how blessed I am to have 2 wonderful mother figures whom I love and respect dearly.

Happy birthday to you mom. We love you so very much!!!
All my love xxx
Janine

A Letter in the Post

2011-07-06T17:10:00.000+02:00

There is nothing more exciting that getting a special letter in the post. My precious Mommy Darling who lives so very far from us in the U.S. has started something special with all her grandchildren by posting them a card in the mail every now and then. Angelee finally got her turn. Her card arrived in the post this week. Just look at that smile!!!

Watching Angelee's joy showed me once again how easy it is to impact anothers life when we show love intentionally. Something as simple as a letter can shape memories that will last forever. Thank you my precious Mommy darling for making us all smile even from so very far away. We love and miss you.

Love Always,

Janine xxx

Fun at Home

2011-06-29T16:38:00.000+02:00

So we dipped into our "holiday idea box" this morning ... and we drew out "a picnic tea party". It worked out perfectly because Tianna had a friend over for the day, so while they decorated the table on the veranda outside, Angelee and I made a batch of peanut butter / choc chip cookies. Yummy!!! Here are some pics of our adventure at home today ...

Leelee whips up a batch of yummy scrummy biscuits!

Sharing a baking moment. Bliss for this mommy.

Bakers treat ;0)

Tianna and Emily enjoying the feast! Cheers girls!!

Leelee taking a moment to catch her breath after all that hard work!

Days like today are so important for us to savor. I was just thinking this morning that in just 8 years time my big girl will be 18 and approaching adulthood. I want to fill up these years with my sweet and precious children with as many precious memories as possible. Sometimes in all the routine and training up my children I forget and get caught up in the busyness of it all. The Lord reminded me again today that this is where "love in action" counts the most .... at home with my family.

May you have a wonderful day today making many new memories.

All my love xxx

Janine

"Holiday Idea Box"

2011-06-28T16:58:00.000+02:00

My girls are on school holidays for 3 weeks! Hip, hip ... HOORAY!! I LOVE the morning sleep ins. If the girls get up early they know to make themselves some breakie and watch some telly till I get up. I have to savor this easy routine until baby boy makes his big arrival in October ;0)

Yesterday we had tea and scones with a sweet friend. She is a mommy of two darling little girls and also has a little one on the way. I gleaned a lovely idea from her. At the start of the school holidays she got each of her girls to give her 5 ideas of what they wanted to do throughout the holidays. Each day they are going to do one of them. I loved her idea! So today, the girls and I wrote out some fun activities that we would like to do in the holidays. We wrote them out and have folded them into our "holiday idea box". Each day we will draw out one of the activities to do for the day! They are sooooo excited and so am I.

It was so funny coming up with ideas of what they wanted to do these holidays. At the top of the list was "fly to Disney World" ... uhhhh honey ... that's a little far and a bit too expensive for right now ;0) So then my youngest pipes up ... "Let's go see some crocodiles!"???? These girls ... they make me laugh so much! I eventually explained that it has to be stuff that we can either do at home or in our City. "Ohhhhh!!! ... Well then let's bake and cook". Yes luvies ... that's more like it ;0)

I'll try keep you posted on our "at home holiday adventures" :0)

Have a beautiful day!

All my love xxx

Janine

Cozy Sunday Arvie

2011-06-26T16:22:00.001+02:00

After a really busy week and weekend I am finally sitting on my couch with the heater on full and my feet up on our lazy boy couches. Our tummies are full to the brim after a tasty pasta lunch. I am watching my two girls, puppy and cat lying all side by side soaking up some winter warmth at the heater. Hubby is curled up under a blanket taking in a Sunday afternoon snooze. Ahhhh ... these are rare and precious moments. I am loving this lazy Sunday afternoon.

From a happy and relaxed Janine xxx

Lessons from a Box of Pop Corn

2011-06-22T16:59:00.000+02:00

My house smells like pop corn and it makes me smile. I LOVE pop corn. My mom & dad used to have a pop corn machine which my sister and I used so often in the afternoons after school. I have yet to buy one now that I am a mommy - guess I should put it on my pressie list ;0) I am a bit naughty by cheating and buying microwave pop corn. I just find it SO CONVENIENT to quickly pop up a box as a snack for the girls (ok ... especially for me - hee hee). Funny how smell is so powerful in triggering memories. Sitting in my lounge surrounded by this amazing aroma brings back so many wonderful memories ... sharing my first box of popcorn with my handsomeness on one of our early dates before we married ... sitting in the kitchen with my mom, granny and sister playing scrabble with a HUGE bowl of salt and vinegar flavoured popcorn ... making lunch boxes for my girls and adding a packet of pop corn in, which reminds me of the many bags of pop corn my mom made for me :0) Such special memories.

Why am I blogging about pop corn ... I am getting there I promise ;0)

I love that Jesus taught such simple yet life changing truths through parables when He walked the earth with His disciples. He drew on the everyday things around them to explain spiritual and life giving heart lessons. Popping a box of pop corn this afternoon took on a deeper meaning for me. As I heard the popping I started thinking about how I am always so delighted at how a little corn kernel seed can pop into something so remarkable within seconds when it is heated up hot enough! And then I started to remember a verse that my parents taught me growing up ... "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Matthew 12:34). It got me thinking about how often we say things or do things that we don't really mean when the pressure builds up. While most of the time we do not mean to intentionally harm, our words and actions come from somewhere. What pops out of us when we feel hurt, or misunderstood, betrayed, pressurized ... basically when the heat or pressure is on us? Whatever we have been mulling over and storing up in our heart has a way of eventually "popping out". It reveals our heart condition. Is this not why God says to us in Proverbs 4:23 "Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life." His words are an encouragement to us to look at the condition of our hearts. If something "pops out" that is not pleasing, life giving or a blessing to those around us, then if we are brave and humble enough to open our heart before Him who sees and cares for our heart, He is able to restore and heal and cause life to stream out of us like a spring of fresh living water. What an encouragement this thought is to me today. God loves and cares and tends to the condition of each of our hearts when we are vulnerable enough to open it up before Him. May we learn a beautiful lesson from King David in the Bible who said "Search me (thoroughly), O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (Psalm 139:23-24). David was no perfect man and yet because He made his heart vulnerable to God, God delighted in saying of David many years later in Acts 13:22 that He David as "a man after My own heart". God is no respecter of persons. When we live vulnerably open before God and allow Him to lead and guide us as David did ... He too says of us that we are His daughters or sons after His own heart!
Who knew God had something so precious to show us through a simple box of pop corn ;0)

All my love xxx

Janine

Fun night out Update

2011-06-21T14:21:00.000+02:00

Hey friends! I hope you are having a terrific Tuesday so far. As promised ... here is the update from my night out with the book-club girls last night. Silly me forgot the camera at home, but maybe that's a good thing, because all the pics would be of all the yummy food we consumed - hee hee ;0) It was so fun to put some make-up on and get out the house for an evening of fun, laughter and gift giving (and yes Jojo - definitely good coffee too!).

Next to the amazing food and fun banter, we got down to some serious gift exchanging. Oh my word! These girls took gift swapping to the next level! Every time someone bonded with a gift, someone else swapped it right out their hands :0) In the end we all went home with smiles and lovely little gifts. Here's what I got to walk out the door with before it could be swiped by any of the other girls ;0)

A beautiful new scarf and heart charm bracelet which I absolutely adore. It reminds me of love in action :0)

I so wish I could squeeze all of you into my lounge for a fun gift exchange evening of fun and laughter, instead I will pass on all my love to each of you across the miles today and tell you once again how much I love and appreciate all of you!

All my love xxx

Janine

Off loading the Monday blues

2011-06-20T18:30:00.000+02:00

It's Monday. The start of a new week. I can't believe that I am starting my week feeling so tired. Maybe it's the fact that 23 weeks worth of making a baby is starting to catch up with me now ;0) Somehow, I blame the Monday blues though. This morning was one of those mornings where I totally overslept. I blame that on the fact that we had no electricity this morning which is why the alarm never went off ... which more significantly meant that there was no coffee to face the morning with!!! Thank goodness my eldest gets a lift to school this week (we alternate with our neighbors) and Angelee's school times are way more flexible. Once I finally got myself ready and walked outside I spotted a pair of Angelee's shoes which she left outside overnight that the puppy found and chewed to pieces! Trying not to loose it with the dog, I FINALLY got her and myself in the car. As I took a breath, I almost threw up! She had stepped FRESH doggie doo over the seats as she got in ... and to make matters even worse, I sat on my chair before I realized what she had just walked all over my seat!!!!!! So instead of easing into my day I had to rush to drop her off in the smelly car ... then drop it off at the car wash for a valet. Oh my goodness!!! What a day!

So to de-stress I am off to our mid year book club function tonight where we be doing a fun gift exchange game and enjoy a yummy supper (and when I say supper I actually mean a table full of yummy deserts - hee hee) over much needed girl catch up and giggle time. The gift exchange game is so much fun! We all get to pick a number out of the box. The person with the first number gets to pick a gift first and open it. It remains theirs as long as the person with the next number doesn't like and choose to "steal" it from them, where they then have to unwrap another pressie. Each pressie can only move 3 times and then it becomes safe. The game goes on until the person with the highest number then gets to choose which gift she would like the most out of all the gifts. You can imagine the shrieks of laughter and protest when a favorite pressie gets swiped. So here are my pressies all wrapped up and ready to be swapped. I'll post an update tomorrow on how the fun goes.

Well, I've got to say that after unloading the days events I feel so much better. I also realize how many comical and special moments have been unwrapped in all the busyness. Even Mondays can make us smile :0)

All my love xxx

Janine

Happy Fathers Day

2011-06-19T12:32:00.000+02:00

It's Fathers Day today and so this is my post firstly honoring my father. Dad ... I love you and am proud to shout it out for the world to read =0) It is so hard living in another city on days like today, because I would like nothing more than to spend time all together ... laughing and sharing hearts. Thank you Dad for all the laughs, cuddles and support you have given me over all the years. I miss you today being so far away.

Next up I am also blessed to have a dad-in-grace. My "in-laws" have never allowed me to refer to them as "in-laws" but rather as my "in-graces". It is so unique to who they are and they truly have shown me how to walk in grace. I am privileged to have both these dads in my life to love, respect and honor.

And now for my husband and the father of my precious children ... my Brett. What an amazing father you are my love, to your girls ... and to your son-on-the way! You show us all such consistent love and kindness. You make us all laugh, you teach us life lessons and you serve us in love. It is our joy to serve you today my darling! We love you SO MUCH!!!

An Encounter in the Wilderness

2011-06-14T13:55:00.000+02:00

On this warm winter morning I am sitting outside on my veranda with a cup-of-something-warm-and-wonderful (interpretation: coffee - hee hee) looking out onto our very green garden.

The Lord has sent us incredible rains over the last few weeks after an almost 2 year drought. Our dams are slowly starting to fill up again here in the Eastern Cape. This is the first time in my 34 years that I have lived through a drought with strict water restrictions. When the water restrictions were first issued we all wondered how we would adjust. It meant no filling the pools through Summer, sharing water at bath times or showering super quick with low water pressures, spacing out your washing days as not to waste lots of water etc. We all started finding ways to teach our children how to be water conscious. We put up water tanks to catch any falling rain that came our way so we could water the garden etc. It's amazing how quickly you adjust and also become thankful for the luxuries that you might have once taken for granted.

Pondering all this, I am so mindful that when we go through "drought" seasons in our life, God is often closer to us than we even realise! It is in these dry, barren places that He has so much to impart to us. If we would just look and listen, we will see Him teaching us incredible life lessons in the most unusual places.

Consider Hagar's story. You can read it in the Bible in Genesis 16:1-16. Hagar was Sarai's maid servant. After many years of Sarai trying to fall pregnant and waiting on a promise that God had given to her husband Abram that they would have a son, she became desperate and tired of waiting. She reasoned that maybe God needed her help seeing as He was taking too long, so she took matters into her own hands (funny how us women have always battled with control issues hey - even all the way back then!). In her desperation she approaches her husband and offers her maid servant to him as his second wife that maybe through her they could bear a son. Abram agrees (what was the man thinking!!!) and Hagar falls pregnant. Sarai got what she thought she wanted .... but because it was of her own doing and not what God had promised her, it never brought the joy that she had hoped it would. Hagar began to despise and look down on Sarai, her master. So she goes to Abram angry and broken and tells him that Hagar had turned on her and that God would judge between him and her. Abram, who adored his first wife tells her to do as she wills with Hagar and so Sarai unleashes her anger on Hagar who then fled into the wilderness after being mistreated by Sarai. Hagar was now pregnant and felt completely hopeless about her situation so she does what a hormonal and irrational pregnant woman might do - she ran away into the wilderness to somehow try to make a new life for herself. A wilderness though? This is clearly the act of a desperate and broken woman. Verse 7-8 says "But the Angel of the Lord found her by a spring of water in the wilderness on the road to Shur. And He said, Hagar, Sarai's maid, where did you come from, and where are you intending to go? And she said, I am running away from my mistress." Here's what touches my heart. God chooses to meet with her in the most barren place of all - her wilderness. He talks to her about what had led her to the wilderness and then asks her where she hopes to go. He talks to her ... the Living God talks to her! She talks back and bares her heart - no hiding. She says it for what it is. In this place He begins to give her hope and perspective. He tells her about the son she is carrying and tells her about his destiny. He also tells her to go back to Sarai - that He will deal with the heart issues and cause provision for her and her son. In this place of barrenness and despair HE GIVES HER HOPE AND PURPOSE! It is in the driest, hardest, most alone place in her life that she encounters the Living God. Verse 13-14 says "So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, You are a God of seeing, for she said, Have I (not) even here (in the wilderness) looked upon Him Who sees me (and lived)? Or have I here also seen (the future purposes or designs of) Him who sees me? Therefore the well was called Beer-lahai-roi (a well to the Living One Who sees me)."

Through Hagar's encounter with God we see that we have an Almighty God who sees us and desires to meet with us. If you are feeling like you are in a wilderness experience ... call on the Living One Who Sees you! Just as He saw Hagar sitting in the wilderness, so He sees you and me today and wants to give us all the love, acceptance, hope and perspective that we need. Just speak to Him.

All my love xxx

Janine

Friends Forever

2011-06-13T17:51:00.000+02:00

Over the last 6 days I had the sweetest time with my best friend staying over at my house. While we may live in different cities, our friendship has always crossed the distance. We have coffee-shopped, chatted till our eyes couldn't stay open anymore then found more to chat about in the morning ;) We have shopped, munched on chocs, watched telly, painted nails and just had the best time catching up! I have gleaned from her funky style and now own a pair of happy winter wellies to see me through the rest of winter.

My Annie ... I appreciate you more than you will ever know sweet friend! Thank you for the gift of encouragement that you always bring into my life.
All my love xxx
Jan

Speaking up Loud & Clear

2011-06-07T09:16:00.001+02:00

Words. We hold so much power with the gift that we have been given by God. Ever really thought about how precious this gift is that we have been given? No wonder the Bible says that the power of life and death are in the tongue. God never entrusted this gift to any other of His creation ... except us ... His beloved children. While all creation has a voice and can be heard in different ways ... only we have been entrusted with the gift to speak words. What a precious and powerful gift those words can be. With this gift comes great responsibility to each of us. Everyday we hold the power to build up, encourage, edify and breathe life, hope and love into one another and each others dreams or we have the power to discourage, hurt, confuse or tear down. The choice is continually before us. When we add action to our words, they speak even louder.
Everyday we use this gift. How much of what we say blesses? How much of what we say causes someone else to smile? How much of what we say shows that we believe the best in each other? Sometimes I forget that scripture tells us that we will all stand accountable before God for the way in which we use our words.
I write this as an encouragement, because we can make such a difference in one another's lives when we speak words of life, encouragement and love. Just as important is to be speaking words of life and truth over ourselves! When we change what we believe about ourselves, the overflow is love towards others.
Psalm 19:14 says "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my (firm, impenetrable) Rock and my Redeemer." Whatever we are meditating on (thinking over and over about) eventually has a way of becoming what we talk about. God is encouraging us today to fill our thoughts with the truth of who He says we are and to be speaking those words of love and life over ourselves and each other.
Proverbs 23:7 says "For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he." Joyce Meyer always says "where the mind goes, the man goes." Are you believing the truth about how treasured you are in your Father God's eyes?
Here's the last verse I want to encourage us all with today:
Ephesians 4:22-24 "Strip yourselves of your former nature (put off and discard your old unrenewed self) which characterized your previous manner of life and becomes corrupt through lusts and desires that spring from disillusion; and be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind (having a fresh mental and spiritual attitude), and put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God's image (Godlike) in true righteousness and holiness."
When we surrender our hearts and lives to Jesus, Father God looks at us and no longer sees that "former nature" and all the mistakes we make. No. He sees a new, Godlike nature because He sees the righteousness and love of Jesus Christ all over us. Today He is speaking His words of love over each of us reading this post. He is reminding us that we love Him because HE FIRST LOVED US! The more we meditate on how rich His love for us is, the more we will love and encourage those in our lives with His words and embrace of love. May we use our gift of words richly today! Let's speak up and let love pour out :0)
All my love xxx
Janine

Fabulous Blog Shout Out: Niqui's Blog

2011-06-04T17:39:00.001+02:00

Precious friends, I am soooooooo excited about this post!!! I get to introduce to you my beautiful sisters blog: Niqui "Walking with my Jesus". Some of you got a taste of what lies in her heart when she guest posted over here earlier this year. I had so many comments of how her writing spoke to your hearts. FINALLY she has decided to start up her own blog. I can assure you that you will always be touched by what you read. This is my big sister ... the one that I have watched growing up and always been inspired by. She stands up for truth, is so strong and courageous yet has the softest heart of compassion that I know. Please go by and visit her today and encourage her on her new adventures in blog land by following! She truly will inspire your heart as she always does mine.

All my love as always,

Janine xxx

Wearing my heart on the sleeve

2011-05-26T17:34:00.001+02:00

Hello lovelies. I have always been drawn to blogs that share straight from the heart. That was my intention when I stared blogging, to write on this blog an expression of what goes on in my heart. I prefer to live my life out in the open. I remember once reading Lisa Bevere share that she too lives her life out in the open so that the devil never has any of her secrets to broadcast ;-) I love that! I have come to experience that truth truly does set free! (John 8:32). Today is one of those honest posts ... a heart to heart of where I am at in this season of my life.

I would so like to get regular posts out there more often, but in truth, I am in a season of learning a new pace. Have you ever found yourself having to reassess your "usuals" ... your usual routine, usual focus, usual places where you give your attention to. That's where I am at right now, realising that a new season is at hand. As much as change can make me feel uncomfortable, I have learned so many times before that where God leads, I am sure to find abundant life and new exciting adventures. "Yeeeeeehaaaaaaaa!" Bring it on baby!!!

I have mentioned that I have 2 sweet little girls aged 10 and 6-going-on-7. I am also 5 months pregnant with our first son. Being pregnant after such a long time has forced me to slow my pace. When I had my girls, both births came prematurely because of the shape of my uterus. My last pregnancy had me in pre-labour so early. The Doctor told me at my last scan that I can expect the same symptoms to start even sooner this time ... BUT I know in Whom my trust lies!!! In trusting God for 2 years for this little boy, we have asked God ahead that this pregnancy will be completely different and that God will be so mightily glorified. This time last pregnancy I was having up to 40 contractions a day. Eventually I was put on such strong medication (which has now been discontinued world wide because of numerous fatalities) and was put on severe bed rest. This time around I am happy to report a peaceful uterus with a few contractions in the evenings. Already it has been night and day from the 2 previous pregnancies. What I have learned however, is that God works spiritually AND practically with us! We have to be balanced in our journey with God, realizing that He has made us Spirit, soul and body! All 3 dimensions that make us who we are, are important to God. In asking God for a different outcome in my pregnancy, I have also had to follow His practical promptings to live at a new pace. This means saying no to new projects (maybe this is God's way of helping me to over-come that "people-pleaser" addiction - hee hee). It also means handing over certain responsibilities in running church that I love (with this I am also discovering the joy and blessing of seeing others released into their giftings!). I am learning to rest more - aaaargh! This is a hard one for me. I LOVE running around doing lots of stuff! I am having to learn to do a task, then rest instead of pushing on to the next task. I am learning to balance my energy for when my girls come home from school so that I can give to them what they need. Basically I am learning to live my life saturated in lots of grace (Lord knows I need it with these raging hormones! Just ask my hubby - hee hee) and also out of a place of rest.

Maybe you too are facing change in your life or God is prompting you to walk away from certain things that have held you captive and He is now leading you into a new path of freedom and life. I want to end off by sharing with you this beautiful verse that God showed me last night as I have been working out the wrestle of letting certain things go ... "But He gives us more and more grace (power of the Holy Spirit, to meet this evil tendency and all others fully). That is why He says, God sets Himself against the proud and haughty, but gives grace (continually) to the lowly (those who are humble enough to receive it). James 4:6 (Amplified Bible). May you, like me today know that He gives us grace upon grace to walk into the new seasons that He calls us to. His grace is more than able to fully meet every need we have along the way. He is so good to us. He oversees us every step along the way. Take flight to the adventures and season He is calling you to!

Sending you ALL my love today xxx

Janine

Our sweet baby boy!

2011-05-20T17:39:00.000+02:00

Soooooooo precious friends ... we finally found out last week that we are having a sweet baby boy!!! Meet Zac Robinson :0)

Hubby whooped SO LOUD when the Doctor told us! It was such a precious memory that we shared with our two very excited daughters. They are thrilled to be having a baby brother! It was such an emotional moment to see our son and hear his strong heart beat. We have been carrying two names in our heart ... Gabriel and Zac. When we read the meanings we knew that he is indeed a "Zac". The meaning is "God has remembered". 2 years ago my gorgeousness and I asked Father God for a son and God has remembered indeed! What a delight this little boy is to us already. Brett and I just keep grinning at each other. We feel so privileged that we will be able to parent both girls and a little boy! THANK YOU LORD!!! If you need any encouragement today ... may you be encouraged that God does hear and does remember the desires of your heart!

All my love,

Janine xxx

You are Somebody's Encourager

2011-05-05T20:12:00.000+02:00

My hubby is full of smiles today. His best buddy arrived from Cape Town to spend the day with us. David is such an encourager. He has a way of changing the atmosphere wherever he goes. It got me thinking ... isn't that exactly what God desires to do through each of us every day ... encourage and be His voice and arms to those around us.

Hebrews 3:13 says "Exhort / encourage one another daily, while it is called "Today", lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin." There are so many sneaky little things that distract us and harden our hearts in this world ... but a simple word of encouragement has the power to soften our hearts and breathe new life into our soul and dreams.

Whatever you do today ... be somebody's encourager! You are God's voice and arms to those around you.

All my love xxx

Janine

Thank you

2011-04-26T09:57:00.000+02:00

Precious Bloggy friends, I just wanted to say thank you for all your beautiful and encouraging comments. This Easter weekend has been very special to have my mom, sister and adorable little nieces with me as we held a memorial service celebrating my Granny. My heart is so peaceful. I know she would have loved the service. Once again ... thank you for all your love and encouraging words. It has been so healing to my heart.

All my love xxx

Janine

Saying Goodbye

2011-04-22T21:32:00.000+02:00

Early this morning my precious 89 year old Granny finally got to see Jesus face to face when she breathed her last here on earth in her sleep and awoke in Heaven. My heart grieves that we have to let go this side, but rejoices that she is finally free from all pain and constraints and is alive and rejoicing in Heaven with her parents and siblings and mostly with the One she has loved and taught me in many ways to love and respect. She knew her Jesus well. In December when I got to spend a couple of weeks with her, every night I would fall asleep hearing her speak to Him. Her life has taught me so much. Granny, thank you for the lessons and legacy you have set before me. I treasure you.

Janine xxx

Urgent Prayer Need

2011-04-15T20:33:00.000+02:00

Hi friends ... I was just over at my precious friend, Adeye's blog when I read this super urgent prayer need. PLEASE go on over there and spread the word and pray for this precious little boy! If you know of anyone who has their paperwork to adopt but are looking for the right child, please refer them to Adeye's website. The funds have been raised for this little boy. He just needs a forever family urgently!

All my Love,

Janine xxx

Almost 14 weeks and still waiting!

2011-04-15T14:05:00.000+02:00

So here it is dear friends ... my huge 13 weeks and 5 day old bump :0) (And yes - I finally found a pair of maternity jeans that fit).

Hubby and I took "bump" along to our second scan today all excited to discover who he or she is. Oh my goodness. In 5 weeks our sweet baby has grown from 1.32cm to 7.55cm (head to bum). We could see EVERYTHING ... excepts between its little legs! This little one did acrobatics galore for us ... but strategically blocked any view of it's obviously very private bits :0) It was so funny. The Doctor tried and tried and tried to see, but babes was having none of it and even gave that probe a kick! So very funny!! This little one is quite the character already and we are completely in love with our precious unborn child. The next scan is booked for 4 weeks time and we are taking the girls. I guess it will be even more special to have them discover with us whether they have another little sister or brother on the way. The suspense lingers ...

All my love,

Janine xxx

A little shopping fun

2011-04-14T14:45:00.000+02:00

So, being 13 and a half weeks pregnant (yes that extra half week counts!), I realized that it was finally time to go shopping for some maternity jeans. While I fit into my jeans ... whether or not I can breathe comfortably in them is another story altogether ;0) hee hee. This country has so much to learn from the U.S. and the U.K. when it comes to maternity clothes. We have such few options here!!! I have only found 3 stores so far that sell maternity clothes, and each of them only have one or two short racks of ugly options. Looks like I need to plan a visit to mommy in the U.S. to do some shopping - sigh! If only!!! So ... after trying on all the ugly options .... here's what I found ...

I know ... it doesn't look like a pair of jeans ... but it certainly will go with the perfect pair of jeans when I find them and fit into them :0) How cute is this little handbag hey! It's perfect for Autumn which we are practically falling into. Best of all it is proudly South African and I bought it with a birthday voucher from a dear friend. I just loved their label. (Sorry it's so fuzzy - I took about 8 pics and they all came out the same). I love the African map with the red heart. And the name is so sweet (excuse the pun) - Suga Suga.

Who knew that maternity shopping could be so fun after all!
Love Janine xxx

Overshadowed ... in a GOOD way =0)

2011-04-12T11:08:00.000+02:00

Yesterday as I was driving home from dropping the girls off at school the mist was so thick that I couldn't see the usual landmarks around me. It reminded me of an experience I had in February this year where we drove right past massive sand dunes on a beach I'd been wanting to visit, but could not see them at all. I could hear the waves crashing on the beach, smell the sea sea air, even feel the soft beach sand in between my toes, but I could not see it even though I was looking straight at it. It was hidden. In this moment God began to speak to my heart.

In the book of Ephesians in the Bible, we read over and over the amazing promises that we have when we are "hidden in Christ Jesus". God expresses His heart so beautifully of why He calls us to become His children. We read about the kind of Father that He is ... how He adopts us into His family to lavish His grace, love, acceptance, forgiveness, freedom, and every spiritual blessing into our lives. I am always so humbled that this indescribable God who created the universe saves us and calls us into His family, not when we are perfect ... but when we are still held captive as slaves to our sins (see Ephesians 2:4+5). His love is what transforms and frees us, not His anger and disgust at our weakness and sinfulness. His grace is what moves our hearts to change.

I share all of this to share the picture that God showed me through the mist. This amazing God, with all of His amazing promises spoken over us throughout the Bible is the very One who overshadows our lives completely with ALL that He is when we surrender our lives over to Him. We become so hidden in Him, that His attributes are revealed when people look at us. Try as hard as the enemies to our peace may try to steal from us, they cannot steal from us without going through God first! God Himself ... who is Love personified covers you with His love and fullness.

Psalm 91:1-2 says "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, shall abide / rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

Today ... may you know that whatever you face, You can be overshadowed by the shadow of the ALMIGHTY One! Surrender your heart, situation, pain .... whatever it may be that has held you captive ... give it to the One who longs to overshadow your life with every good thing.

All my love,

Janine xxx

What's in the jar??? A closer look at our little visitor :0)

2011-04-07T08:33:00.000+02:00

It seems like my "Wordless Wednesday" needed some words after all. hee hee.

Hubby bought us a new bird feeder. Much to the girls delight, it seems to have a massive flaw. They never counted on the birds being small enough to burrow under the seeds and get trapped inside the actual feeder. Thank goodness we haven't had any "casualties" ;0) The girls love setting these little birds free after getting to hold them and inspect them up close. Here's a closer look at our little visitor ...

Looking at these little birds up close reminds my heart how BIG God really is. The Bible tells us that not one little bird falls to the ground without Him knowing about it and caring. He provides for their care and provision each day. We discovered these little birds live in a big old tree a couple of blocks away from our house. My husband saw hundreds of them flying in and out of this tree while walking the dog the other day. How amazing that God showed them where a little place of daily provision could be found over at our house. They come throughout the day to "top up" on food much to our delight. Now if God can direct these tiny little creatures so accurately to a place of blessing and a haven of delights ... how much more does He not care about what is going on in your life today. Be encouraged that He cares and knows exactly how to lead and guide you in the way of peace and overflowing blessing today. This is the same Jesus who says in John 10:10 "I have come that you may have life and have it to the full" (NIV version). All He's waiting for is for you to ask. Each day He offers us all the peace and provision we could ever need in Him. His love offers you that haven today.

All my love xxx

Janine

Wordless Wednesday: A curious little surprise visitor

2011-04-06T21:49:00.000+02:00

Does God want to talk to you? YES!

2011-04-04T19:01:00.000+02:00

Sometimes we feel so overwhelmed by our circumstances that it becomes all we can see, think of and feel. How gracious that we have a God who actually wants to talk to us and guide us through the darkest patches where our perspective is so clouded or obscured. If you feel like that today then this verse from Jeremiah is just for you.

"Call to Me and I will answer you

and tell you great and unsearchable

things you do not know."

Jeremiah 33:3

Does God want to speak to you today? YES He does. All He waits for is for us to "call to Him". He has great and unsearchable wisdom to share with each of us. He does not wait for us to "get our lives straightened out first". No ... in the book of Ephesians He shares with us that He came to save us when we were still trapped and held by our sins. It is His beautiful truth that sets us free ... so if you have some answers you need answered today ... "call to Him". He has just the wisdom and guidance you need!

All my love,

Janine xxx

I'm back!

2011-04-04T10:37:00.000+02:00

Ok ... first off ... thank you so much for staying with me through my very pregnant hormonal highs and lows which has kept me from my usual regular blog posts. It is safe to report that I am now 12 weeks pregnant and at the end of my first trimester. Hallelujah! I survived (and miraculously so has my unbelievably stable husband and long suffering daughters! hee hee). I am totally hoping that this is the start to the next trimester which wont have me feeling so bone tired and nauseous 24/7.

While I will post pics every now and then on the progress of my pregnancy, this blog is centered around the theme of God's incredible love that He shows to each of us daily and also His calling on our lives to show His love to those around us. I will continue to share with you the journey that God has me and my family on of teaching us how to live a life of "love in action". As always .... I LOVE YOUR THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS!!! This is a place to share hearts, so please share your perspectives and journey with me.

Here's to more frequent posts! (Thanks lovely Debra for the encouragement to keep going with this blog. Love you LOTS!).

All my love,

Janine xxx

The hardest goodbye

2011-03-22T20:58:00.000+02:00

Today was one of the hardest days my husband and I have shared. We had to say goodbye to our precious pets, Jessi and Sabie. They were our very first "children" when we first got married. For the last 13 years they have filled our lives and home with nothing but love and faithfulness. Today we and our children mourn their passing. Thank you Jessi and Sabie for all the love, faithfulness, joy, beautiful memories and protection you gave to each of us with unconditional love. Your little love affair together has taught us so many lessons that we could never forget. We miss you so much already. Oh how we love you.

The Power of Love

2011-03-16T13:23:00.000+02:00

"Nails never held Christ to the cross ... love did."

quote by Pastor Ray McCauley

9 Weeks Along Now

2011-03-14T21:29:00.000+02:00

Today marks the start of my 9th week of pregnancy. It's been so long since I was pregnant that I've had to go back to finding out exactly where baby's growth is at. Thank goodness for Google ;0) It is so exciting to see my body beginning to change and show signs of being pregnant. I can honestly say that I am counting down the next 3 weeks so that the nausea will pass ... but thats just par for the course I guess. This time around I am loving being able to teach my girls how baby is developing. They cannot get over how small the little one still is. My 10 year old so often comes to rub my barely-there tummy and is already speaking words of love to her baby sibling. It melts my heart. My 6 years old daughter lay on my tummy singing to "the baby" as she calls him or her. It is such an exciting time for them. Handsomeness is convinced that its a boy ... but we met a new family in church this week that has 6 daughters. The look on his face was priceless ;0) Who knows ... it could be another beautiful darling girl :0) We go for the next scan in 4 weeks time and our Doc says he should be able to tell us. Either way we are over-the-moon. We are SO EXCITED!!!

Well ... this tired pregnant fairy is off to sleep.

Sweet dreams dear friends.

Love Jan xxx

Prayers for Japan

2011-03-11T17:13:00.000+02:00

Praying for all those in Japan today. The pictures of the tsunami and unbelievable damage is heart breaking. It is so hard to even imagine the loss. We have to pray for the survivors and those trapped in the rubble and the many families who have lost loved ones. My daughter was just telling me of one of her teachers that moved to Japan last week. We are praying that her and her family are safe today. Just when I thought I had a tough week, perspective shines through loud and clear. Life is so unpredictable to allow little things to become mountains. Let's rather look for the things that we can celebrate in one another and rejoice over. Life is precious.

Janine xxx

The Mayonnaise Jar

2011-03-08T19:10:00.002+02:00

Last week my precious sister sent me this little story. You may have read it before ... but every time I read it, it makes me smile with perspective. When things in your life seem almost too much to handle; when 24 hours in a day is not enough; remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

The story ...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and started to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded With an unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and favorite passions Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, You will never have room for the things that are important to you. So ... pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap. 'Take care of the golf balls first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked'. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

The choice to LAUGH!

2011-03-04T10:07:00.000+02:00

Oh my goodness ... I have not been posting very much in the last few weeks. Truth be known ... all I feel like doing is sleeping!!! So sorry for slacking dear friends. It's been a long time since I was last pregnant and the tiredness and nausea has been quite intense, but then yesterday we got to meet baby for the first time via scan. It is such a surreal moment hearing the little ones heart beat and seeing that little "beanie" on the screen. Our hearts were so humbled and filled with overflowing joy! Our little one is all of 1.32cm big :0) I am nearing my 8th week now and definitely feeling rather hormonal which actually leads me to the thought on my heart today.

In my emotional state I find myself laughing one moment, then so sensitive in the next moment. Ah the joys of womanhood hey! I am one of those people that is all heart - but, I think too deeply for my own good sometimes. You know what I mean? I have been asking the Lord to help me to be more even keeled in my emotions especially as we have 2 little girls. I want them to see that yes ... we certainly do negotiate so many emotions as ladies ... but we have an amazing God that is willing to help us to negotiate even our emotions and not allow them to run away with us. So with all this weighing heavily on my heart this morning the Lord reminded me of a sure way to come through peacefully to the other side ... that is by choosing joy! And that is exactly what I am learning again in this season of my up and down run-away emotions ... to CHOOSE joy. It is my choice even when I feel like crying over misunderstandings or frustrations in parenting or just plain ol pregnant crazy hormones :0)

Nehemiah 8:10 reminds us that the Joy of the Lord is our STRENGTH. I heard something today that one good belly laugh lowers your cortisol (stress levels) by 40% and is equivalent to a 3 minute rowing workout! We actually loose weight when we laugh!!! hee hee!!! So 10 good belly laughs today could be like a 30 minute workout!!! No wonder joy increases our strength :0) Ahhhh ... isn't God such a practical God!

If you have been feeling anxious about anything (I have really been struggling with this one for the last few days) then here is our encouragement ... "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ... Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4, 6-7. Today I am making a choice to lay down every one of my emotions, worries, anxieties and in its place, choose to laugh!!! To laugh at the silly little things ... the funny antics of my sweet girls ... the many blessings in my life ... just any ol reason to have a good belly laugh! It beats the stress hands down of thinking too deeply :0)

"Now may the God of hope fill you with ALL JOY and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

All my love,

Janine xxx

Thoughts to linger over

2011-02-22T11:14:00.000+02:00

"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments you have TRULY LIVED are the moments when you have done things in the SPIRIT OF LOVE."

Henry Drummond

What an absolutely beautiful quote to linger over. My best memories are founded in moments of love and joy expressed fully. Ephesians 5:2 encourages us to "Live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Living a life of love not not only impacts and imprints lasting peace and joy in those around us ... it changes us from the inside out. I think I am going to spend a little more time pondering just how I am going to unleash my love upon my precious family and friends this week!

Love Janine xoxo

A most blessed week in every way!

2011-02-13T21:47:00.000+02:00

Oh my gracious ... this week has truly been filled with the most beautiful memories. Here's my look back at a week filled with precious highlights ...

On Monday we found out that out we are pregnant with our third child! It was so awesome to find out just in time to tell my sweet firstborn on her 10th birthday on Tuesday :0) The girls are over the moon!!!

Boy did my Tianna love all our spoil-ies! I just love this treasure girls heart. She appreciates so very much!

On Friday I had my turn to be spoilt rotten! I still cannot believe that I am 34!

I was so humbled by all the messages, surprises, visits and love poured out from those so dear to my heart.

Seeing as my big girl and I share the same birthday week - she chose some of her special friends and I took them off to a day of movies, fun rides and yummy treats.

By the end of the arvie I needed to put my feet up! I got to have my own "party" with a few of my sweet friends & family over supper at a fun family friendly restaurant.

And as if I hadn't been spoilt enough, yesterday my handsome hubby surprised me with a night away ... just the two of us! It will always be a little adventure I will never forget. We packed the bags and drove out of town to the loveliest get-away.

I have the most beautiful pictures to share with you next week of our time away. Here's a pic of the two of us at our little get-away. It was the perfect ending to the most precious week. My heart is blessed beyond measure.

May you have the most beautiful week ahead. Sending you all my love xxx

Janine